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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bringing Sexy Back

For my husband's birthday back in October I decided that I would be his present to unwrap. I've been working out religiously with Jillian and it was time that he reap the rewards of my new found physique!
(oh and if you are reading this and you gave birth to me or you gave birth to my husband, please proceed to the blog entry "A New Religious Experience", and remember that we did go to church recently!)
.....Okay so, my lingerie wardrobe consists of 100% cotton night shirts with spaghetti straps trimmed with lace, the color of pink and Disney prints on the front, and to really get racy some have a slit up the side! ( I know, so fantastically hot right?)
I figured that maybe it's time to spice things up a bit and add some red to my repertoire. I recruit my shopping partner in crime and off we go with the kids to the Big City to find my husband a present!
Just by habit I go straight for the cotton nightgowns, (there were new colors and prints! Red with white polka dots!) YES!
My girlfriend, politely pulls me in the direction of the not -so- mom side of the store.....oh....(I thought this part was only for women that haven't pushed a 7 or 8 pound human being out of their "hoo ha"!)
I was quickly assured that it is okay, this is what he will want to see me in! Putting all of my trust in her, we pick out a little something, and another and another. - Apparently all these parts go together to make one outfit!
I proceed to the dressing room, look at all the pieces and put it together like a puzzle. The top is a black bustier and the bottom piece is something called a garter belt.


I force myself into the bustier, and slip on the belt. Standing back looking at myself in the mirror, I ask through the door,

"Ummm, am I supposed to look like a stuffed sausage in this?"

"Let me see, I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Okay, here goes...."

"Right. Well let me just go see if they have the next size up, your boobs should not look like one."

Off she goes and finds the size, I put that one on and it looked a little better, certainly not a free flowing night gown, but not bad! I take it off and am ready to buy it, trying to hurry before I lose my nerve completely. But we aren't done yet, we need to add stockings to the ensemble! 10 minutes later I think I have what I need and finish the sale.

This is going to be the best $ 78 he has ever spent for his birthday!!!

We make it home and I am so excited to surprise him with the unexpected, feeling really good about myself, that's right, two kids and the stretch marks to prove it, I'll BLOW his MIND!

Being coached on how to put everything together I decided that I'll have to do a practice run, before the big reveal. I set the kids up with coloring and lock myself in my room. I carefully lay the pieces out on the bed, admiring my purchase, and then start to sweat. What was I thinking, I can't pull this off, (okay stop, yes you can!)

I put the stockings on first, and as I'm pulling them up my legs, I make a mental note to shave, pretty sure the hair is not supposed to poke through the black silk. Right.

Next comes the belt, oh boy, which way is it supposed to go....oh that's right the clasps go downwards. Check!

Now to attach the stockings to the clasps, no problem. After struggling with the rubber claps for about 10 minutes I remember that I was told to attach the stockings first and then put them on as one. So off go the stockings and belt and I start over.

Finally, I got them together, (not without a few curse words), I am suddenly exhausted, and try to muster up the energy for the bustier. I put it on backwards so that I can do up the bazillion clasps and hope for the best as I try and turn it around to the correct position. Finally it's all done up, my fingers hurt and I am really sweating now, thinking that someone should put out a DVD for housewives that don't quite know the art of building a lingerie outfit, I'm sure it would be a best seller, or maybe I am the only one that has no clue!

Turning the piece around proved to be a show in itself. Because of all the sweat it was stuck at the sides of me, so that means the cups were under my arm on one side and the clasps were digging in on the other, my boobs had stretched and pulled to the side with the fabric, I look in the mirror and think - yup, I'm gonna blow his mind for sure! I sat down on the bed to take a rest for a bit and finally tug one more time and finally got it into position. Placed the "girls" in the correct cups gave one more hoist up and admired the final outcome.

 Huh......all that work for this?

Okay, I'm going need something else, something else, something else. Oh I know, boots! I can wear my shiny black knee high boots....yeeeaaahhhh baby!

I rummage through my closet and pull out the boots, sit, or try to sit on the bed to slip them on. All done up I stood up and took a step, tripped on the bag the lingerie came in and fell into the closet.

CRASH! Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark!

The kids hear the commotion and run to the door, "Mom! Are you okay, what are you doing?"

"I'm fine, something fell, I'm just wrapping your dad's present."

"Oh, can we see it?"

"NO! I'm almost done, go finish coloring!"

I pull myself up and laugh, yup ,I'm really gonna blow his mind!

Now that I'm all put together I figure I'll try out some "bedroom eye" looks in the mirror. After trying my best looks for a while, again wonder if there is a DVD for housewives on the art of seduction, because clearly I need help! I call my girlfriend for moral support as I am ready to just throw in the towel and find my best cotton nightgown and be done with it. She brings me back to that place of confidence and I feel like I can actually do it without him laughing at me too.

My conscious effort to "Bring Sexy Back" was appreciated and every now and then I look at the outfit and giggle -reminding myself that sexy is a state of mind, and I can blow his mind in a cotton nightgown, a binding uncomfortable number or in a pink fuzzy housecoat, he loves Me not what I'm wearing!

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