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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Where Did It Go Wrong?

Frustration, anger and disbelief has consumed me. I am left wondering what has happened to our world today and what makes people think they can control and hurt other human beings. What goes on in the minds of those that continue to do wrong to others and then in turn think that they have not done anything wrong? It wasn't their fault, or the victim is some how lying.

Our courts and justice system seem so very complicated and almost geared towards saving the perpetrator rather than protecting the harmed. We are told to stand up and fight for what is right only to have our personal power taken away by a judge on a technicality. In my eyes it isn't right, nor is it fair.

I support all the people in the world today that are taking a stand and are not playing the victim role in their lives anymore, and are trying to take back their power and have victory over their personal demons. All we can do is keep fighting for what is right, step by step, and hope that in the end the fight goes in our favour. I pray for strength and protection, for guidance and peace, for those that are in the midst of some sort of "battle", and hope that one day, somewhere, some how, a perpetrator will think about the person that is about to be hurt, and not just think of themselves and their satisfaction. Taking someones trust and personal power away is such a violation.

As a parent we do what we can and hope that when our kids leave our nest they will continue to be "good" people of society, and help others when needed. I am left wondering what happens next? I feel helpless when I see guilty people walk away free to roam and free to hurt others again and again. Innocent until proven guilty..... proving the guilt is the hard part, getting away with breaking the law is the easy part.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Finding My Balance In Life

I was invited to join the online world of Facebook a few years ago, and at that time I had no idea what it was, so I left it alone. After a few more requests to be someones "friend", I finally caved in and let my curiosity get the best of me. My whole summer was caught up on this site, who wants to be my "friend" today? Who "poked" me? I found many old, old, friends from way back in the day. You know the ones, elementary school, junior high, senior high. When life was all about who will be my friend today, who will I back stab tomorrow and which boy "likes" me?

It was so fun to see where these people are today, and what they have done with their lives up until now, but I found myself questioning and doubting my abilities as a member of society. What have I done with my life since the "good ole days"? I was proud of the fact that I am a wife and mother of two beautiful little girls. But when filling out the dreaded "profile" page, I didn't have much to say. It really hit hard when it asked what books I've read, or hobbies I have, or what my interests are. I realized that my life had taken a hard u turn. Books? Do they still publish those for adults? Hobbies? You mean Dora the Explorer puzzles aren't a hobby? Interests? Hmmmm..what are my interests? I really had to think and I couldn't come up with anything other than what interests my oldest girl.

I had lost me somewhere between "I do" and "Push, Catharine, Push!" It was like these last four years have just flashed before my eyes and I don't know where to get off and try and find the days I've missed in between. There actually is a world out there and it's continuing on without me. I found out some things about "close" friends, or so I thought, that just floored me. How could something so profound happen to them without me having a clue? And then I thought a little harder, (yup, it happens a few times out of the year) that I have been so caught up in taking care of my family that I have lost touch. Lost touch with friends, old co-workers, some family, most importantly, reality and myself.

In the blink of an eye our lives change whether we want them to or not. That has been said many times over and we don't really "get" it until it happens to us personally. I can honestly say that I was one of those people that lived life thinking that bad things won't ever happen to me. And then it did, it really, really, did. My worst nightmare came true, other than losing my own children of course. My father, my hero, had a stage four brain tumor and didn't have much time. That was when I blinked, and my whole life had changed.

It has been four years since then and it's really true, he is no longer living. To write that down and read it is hard, because I don't want it to be true. I want him to walk in the door right now and say, "I'm sorry I took so long, I was stuck in traffic." My reality is that I go on living my life and raising my kids, being a wife and making every day count, all without my hero by my side.

I have been taking the steps and "acting" like I'm okay without him. Some days I could really pull it off, you would really believe that I have accepted it. "Faking it" had taken on a whole new meaning. I needed to be strong and hold it together for the sake of my husband and my kids. I didn't want to seem "weak" in the eyes of them. I wanted to be strong for my mother, as she needed me to be. I thought if I showed her it would be okay then I would start to believe it too. Anger became an everyday thing for me, and I'm not proud of it, but it was my "reality". And this is where I began to lose "me".

I still wanted to wake up every morning and scream my head off in order to clear my head and start my day off right. The "joy" of bringing home a new baby was lost in my battle of my emotions. Of course I was thrilled when she arrived and was healthy, but I didn't cry tears of joy like I did with Emma. I stopped myself because if I started then I wouldn't have stopped and my tears of "joy" would have turned to sorrow.

In the wee hours of the night while going through the frequent feedings and tons of lack of sleep, I would weep silently. "Where are you?" And finally one night I got my answer. I felt it in my heart, his hands on my face wiping my tears, he said, "I'm right here, right where I've always been." That night Elise slept her first 4 hours straight, and I got recharged to be a better mother.

I now know my purpose in life is to be a strong role model for these two little girls that my husband and I have created. They need constant structure and guidance and we are the ones they watch closely. I take each day as a new one and try not to roll them all together anymore. With every, "I love you Mommy," comes a huge reward for me, letting me know that I still have a place in this world, if not this one, then I have one in my girls world. And I am the most important aspect of their world right now, and I cherish it. I will cherish it until I leave this place to be with my father. And when I see him again, I will let him know how much he means to me and that I completely understand every choice he ever made for me, good or bad. I now have balance, and I haven't had that in a very long time.

Being Fat Is Easy

A challenge was set forth for me to blog and here I blogs will be all about everything so enjoy! We'll start here............

August 2009 marks my one year anniversary of my 85 pound weight loss, (give or take 5 pounds!), with that being said, I have grounds for the title of my success story. I could change it to "Being Fat is Easy For Me" to be politically correct, but I won't, this simple statement is just true.

I have become an expert at losing some weight and gaining more back since my early 20's. I would "try" anything, and "tried" everything besides surgery, telling myself and anyone who would listen, that I can't lose weight, it's my genetics, my metabolism is slow, blah, blah, blah. (sound familiar?) The truth of the matter is that I was LAZY, and if I didn't see results in a day, then whatever I was doing just wasn't going to work for me. If I had to put forth any sort of effort, including exercise, my journey would end very quickly, and I would find myself lost in a bag of potato chips, feeling sorry for myself every step of the way, and hating the thin people of the world.

I finally got a clue, but way too late in my eyes. I was told 9 years ago that if I didn't change my lifestyle I would develop type 2 diabetes, if not before I had kids, then certainly after. And it happened shortly after my first born was only a year old. That kind of kicked me in the butt to do something, I joined the gym and went 5 times a week with my "thin" friend, she kept me motivated to go, but the real motivator for going was that my wedding was coming up, not that I was in danger of a life threatening disease. I didn't change my eating habits at all, I was just exercising, but that small change did show a significant difference in my blood sugar. Once my doctor said I was doing well, I was pretty proud of myself, and got a little too confident. As soon as the wedding was over, I completely stopped exercising.

Shortly before my wedding I had to have my gall bladder removed, I was suffering from painful attacks for months until finally it had to come out. Again my unhealthy way of life is what contributed to this surgery. Once the surgery was done I asked the surgeon if I had to start cutting out fat, and he said, "Well, if you want to, but you'll be able to eat again in a few days." I wondered why he didn't just say what he really meant, "Well DUH! You need to lose the weight or you'll be in here for another organ removal by the time you're 40!" But I realize now, that he sees many people like me and for him to be honest with his patients he would be out of a job, and his words just fall on deaf ears anyway.

I went on to have two girls, gestational diabetes with my first, which turned into type 2 diabetes, causing much more headaches with my second pregnancy. Many doctor visits, ultra sounds, blood tests, I was taking a lot of insulin injections, 4 times a day. Testing my blood sugars 4 times a day, and I STILL did not change my life style. I suffered from heel pain during both pregnancies and after, due to the fact that I was carrying around an extra 90 pounds. I can admit that now, but ask me back then if any of this was my fault and you would have gotten a big FAT NO! Honestly Dr. I don't know why my blood sugars are so high and why I haven't lost any weight. I'm just as baffled as you are. It couldn't be that I eat like crap all day long and my exercise consisted of getting off the couch, putting down the remote and waddling to the fridge, cupboard, freezer to see what I could put into my mouth. It was a mystery of great proportions!

I finally had enough of my lies and feeling sorry for myself, when my girlfriend came over for a visit after her trip to Mexico. About 4 months before her trip she wanted to lose about 15 to 20 lbs, I just rolled my eyes at her. Here we go another thin person saying they are fat, blah, blah, blah, poor you! She did lose the weight and I saw her pictures, she was sporting a bikini and really working it!!!!! I wanted to punch her in the face, happy for her, but still wanted to punch her in the face. She told me what she was doing months before,and I just let the information go in one ear and out the other. I finally asked her again, and she gave me all the information. I ordered the book that she was following online while she was sitting right beside me. For some reason that was my "light bulb" moment, I was done being the "fat girl" and didn't want to be the "fat mom". Since the day I started this new way of life I haven't looked back. I've had some hiccups along the way, but I know what I need to to and I know that I am in control.

The thing is that being healthy is not easy, I eat right 80% of the week, exercise 6 days a week. I have to make a choice every single day, and I only have myself to blame if I've made the wrong choice. I am "out of the woods" as they say, with my type 2 diabetes, I still have to watch my sugars, but it isn't at the forefront of my day. I am proud that I finally got this part of my life under control, but am ashamed that I let myself go as far as I did. I lost an organ, and gained a disease all because I was too lazy to care about my own life, and what I was doing to it. I know my kids need their mom around a little longer, well a lot longer.This past year has been an adventure, a journey of great milestones for me. A lot of triumph and some heart ache. Seeing people that I hadn't seen for a while was great because of the reactions I would get, how great I looked and how proud they were of me. I gained confidence and was finally had pride in the way I looked. But recently I have noticed the way our society treats people based on their weight and how they look, and to my surprise it's not much greener on the other side. When I was fat I could just blend in, sit on the side lines and watch the world go on without me. No one would say to my face how big I was, I never once got a bad look, or a bad comment about my size. Being on the other side of the coin now however, people are much more opinionated and vocal, and seem to watch my every move. I can not blend in anymore. I am now the one that I secretly "hated" when I was bigger and unhappy.

I used to watch the thin people in my life and ridicule them for what they ate or how little they ate. I would say, "Well no wonder you are so thin, you don't eat enough." Or when they would go to the gym I would say, "it must be nice to have so much time on your hands." But really I should have been following their lead, instead I would nit pick their every move. I did that because it was easier to make an excuse than it was to make an effort.

If it were easy to be thin we would all be thin, it's not, and that is why most of us are unhealthy. It's hard to plan your meals for your family for the day, week, month. It's expensive to eat healthy as well, one of the major excuses we all use. And it's not very convenient. It's hard to find time in our busy days to set aside for exercise, it is usually the last thing we want to do. We have become a society of comfort and ease, everything is geared towards an effortless lifestyle.

I am putting forth this message to celebrate my accomplishment and to inspire others. You've heard the saying, "If I can do it, so can you!" It's easy to blame others for our short comings. You hold the key, you hold the secret to your success. It's going to be hard, especially in the first month, but believe in your ability to change, believe in yourself, and love yourself enough. There is no "magic" potion, pill or diet out there that is going to make you smaller, it's just keeping your food intake down, and bringing your exercise level up. Making better choices for food is also key. You don't have to cut out all the junk, I sure haven't! But I have learned that in order to enjoy the junk every once in a while, you must work out a little more so you're not suddenly back to where you used to be. It is a conscious effort every single day of your life, that is why you can not diet, it must be a lifestyle change. I found a program to kick start my weight loss, and it taught me how to eat and make the right choices. I found an exercise program that I love to do in the comfort of my own living room and the way it has helped me shape and change my body, is what keeps me going back for more.

The "secret" is there is no secret. Find something you that works for you, it's out there, you just have to give up the excuses and put in an effort. What you put in is what you'll get out. Being fat was easy, being "Healthy" is much harder, and I can honestly say I like it better this way. I only wish I would have done it sooner. I am not perfect, and never will be, I have made bad choices and good choices, and have learned what I can do and what I can not do, I have a long way to go in my life, but I'm living and coping the best way I know how.