The Jack Files

A Letter to Kotex

2011-07-08T20:12:00.003-06:00

Dear Kotex Marketing Department,

I must thank-you from the bottom of my heart for all of your efforts that you have put into your newest line of feminine products! My cousin had sent away for a free sample and low and behold, she paid it forward and shared a pad! She’s so thoughtful that way! Anyhoo...the bright packaging in pink and black with the swirly designs made me so excited for my next period to start, I simply just couldn’t wait!

The day finally came, sure enough right on queue! I woke up so sore I could barely walk but then realized that I had a new pad to try out, so I happily dragged my body out of bed, and practically skipped to the bathroom. It honestly felt like Christmas morning! I opened the cupboard to find that new little treasure and it took me no time at all! Why? Because of your brilliant idea to make that package stand out, that’s why! Your mothers must be so damn proud of all that brainstorming you did. No longer will my supplies for my “monthly” be hidden, I will proudly display them for all to see! When my guests ask,” Who’s got their period?” I’ll yell, “ME! That’s who!”

The best part of all, my dear friends at Kotex, was when I opened the wrapper. To my surprise you had already made your mark on that fancy new pad! Another brilliant idea! Why let the consumer use a plain old white bound up rectangle of cotton? Nope, not you! That swirly design you made was like a canvas for me to bleed on! Oh the art we made together that day, I wish I could have shown you, but well, I’m thinking that would have been totally inappropriate! Unfortunately I only had one to use and my cramps were still too much for me to run out to the store and get some. But for that hour and a half I had your product close to me will be something to remember and a memory I will share with my girls the very first time they start their period. I’m sure they will be just as excited to buy feminine products when they see the bright colours and cool designs that they now come in! I can hear myself saying to them in the aisle, “See girls, there is nothing to be upset about, having your period is fun, fun, fun!”

I wonder though, maybe you should start adding to your line of pads and research the incontinence side of things. I thought that when I hit that “change of life” I hear so much about that I will miss the fancy swirls and colors in my pants and might want to see it again in my later years. Maybe you could make them into water colors and it will be surprise every time I cough, laugh or jump, I will feel free to pee my pants and make art at the same time! Genius isn’t it?

Sincerely,

Catharine Jack

Dementia Came For Tea

2011-04-30T12:33:00.002-06:00

Something I wrote with my dear friend Dodie and her Mom in mind, also for the people suffering with this disease.

My Dear Daughter,
The Doctor just left my room and told me some disturbing news, it seems I’ve let a visitor in and he doesn’t want to leave. They call him Dementia, a strange name if you ask me. (His parents must have been from that “free love” era.) I know you warned me about letting people in, but my visitors have been very scarce and I just wanted to have some company. I should have listened to you because the doctor says that once he comes to visit, he makes me his home and eventually takes over. Quite rude and shouldn’t be allowed, but they say there is nothing they can do to control him. I was told that if I write things down it can help when Dementia starts packing up my life, and it will put him to sleep for awhile. At this point I’ll try anything, so I wanted to write to you before everything gets packed away.
I think I’ve been here in my new place for about a month now, and the people here are really nice. They take very good care of me, but don’t seem to have time for sit for tea. But Dementia came and asked me for a cup and you know me, I opened my door and asked him to have a seat. You’ve been here to my new place right? He sat in my favourite chair and we talked for hours. I told him about when you were little and how beautiful you were. Your hair was so long and your brown eyes so big. I told him how you are the sparkle in my eye, how much I love you, and that you really are my pride and joy. You know that too, I’m sure. I haven’t seen you for a while so I don’t know if I’ve told you that lately. Anyway, Dementia believed my love for you, and opened up a box right in my room. I asked him what he was doing but he just continued to pack up your pictures and place them neatly in the box. When he was done, he said he was putting my pride and joy safely away for when I move. I didn’t want to be rude as I was enjoying his company; he is a really good listener. He is very easy to talk to, he never rushes me, never tells me I’m wrong and I don’t remember. He never corrects me and just lets me ramble.
Every time we talk, Dementia opens another box and puts my very precious items in it, labels it and takes it away. I don’t understand why he is taking me away box by box, and I don’t understand why he is the only one that visits anymore. He is making my room quite empty, and I can’t seem to recall the stuff he’s taken. I do know that I don’t want his company anymore, but he just keeps coming back. I ask the people that come into my room to remove him, but they just look at me with empty eyes and blank looks as though I haven’t said a word. It’s hard because these people are new to me every day so they don’t know me and maybe that’s why they can’t help. There is one girl that looks just like you, and I feel so hopeful when I see her.
I must hurry as I think I hear Dementia coming down the hall, he stops at a few of my friends rooms too so I only have a few moments left. I don’t know when I’ll see you again, so I ask you now for help. I know you’re busy and that you love me, but would it be okay if you asked Dementia to stop his visits, and kindly ask him for my boxes back? Don’t be rude of course; he seems to pack things up faster when you raise your voice. I wonder if you don’t come to see me anymore because my room is so bare and cold. I do not like it either, but he seems to think he needs my possessions more than I. I promise if you can get Dementia to stop, it will be more enjoyable to visit, easier to give me a hug, and less of a hassle to just sit and listen. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, if I could change it I would.
He’s here for the last two things I hold precious, my love for you and the rest of my life. He said I can give him one or the other...I’m sorry but I couldn’t let him pack away my love for you and made the decision he could take the other. You’ll find my love for you tucked inside your heart, hold it tight, and don’t tell Dementia where I left it.
Love,
Mom

Spring Back From Your Bad Mood

2011-04-20T23:16:00.001-06:00

Have you ever woken up in a bad mood that lasted all day and even all week? And that week turned into a month maybe more? All the energy that was spent being mad at the world, mad at your friends, co-workers and family was completely wasted...don’t you think? It’s easy to get sucked into someone’s negativity and before you know it that negative feeling has almost consumed everything in you. But at some point in your life you have to take a good look in the mirror and decide if it really is the people in your life that need to change, or is there something in you that needs to change. “The difference between a good day and a bad day is YOUR attitude.”

I can blame my moods on so many things, Mother Nature, “that time of the month”; telemarketers, hormones or someone ate my last piece of chocolate. But the truth of the matter is, I am in control of myself, no one else is. Of course life hands out some unwanted events in our life and we all have the right to deal with them in our own time, and manner. But we don’t have the right to take others down with our sinking ship. There can be people in our lives that do make it suck sometimes, but there are certain people in our lives that want to be there, they want to hold you up when you feel like you’re falling. They want to know if you had a good day or why you had a bad one. They want to protect you from the people that are causing you pain. They also want to celebrate in the good days, good events and milestones. But over time if we are just negative all the time, soon those people will not be there when you’re finally ready to deal. And going through life alone is one very sad and scary endeavour.

After a very long and drawn out winter and many days of bad moods, I have never been more excited for spring. Spring is a new beginning, cleaning out closets, cleaning up the yard, and cleaning up my life. I’ve always been afraid of change, but every time I go with it, something good always seems to happen. The road may have been a rough one, but I feel I’ve been pretty blessed. My family and friends have cheered me on and held me up, and those that haven’t are just not a part of what makes me, me.

If only life were as simple as Facebook makes it to get rid of the negative, rotten people on your list of friends. Clicking “unfriend” for me has been so rewarding some days! “Delete friend?” You bet your a** I want to delete friend! With a click of a couple yes’ and BAM! That negative person is gone, gone, gone. Unless they are obsessed and hunt you down only to add you as a friend again! If you’re feeling like the world is against you, take some steps to make changes for yourself because no one else can do it for you. It will be hard, but as your mother has already told you, life isn’t easy. Start with your Facebook Friend List and start deleting or weeding, that part is fun and really easy. Then ask yourself what you may be missing out on, and do what you can to turn that bad mood into a lunch date with the person you miss the most.

It's The Small Things

2011-03-30T12:20:00.001-06:00

From the moment we are born and we take our first breath we are running out of the gates to begin our journey of life. Our parents do what they can to guide us in the right direction. They take pride in the small things, our first smile, our first time sleeping through the night, our first steps and our first words. Before they know it we are out the door and on our own, making new chapters in our lives from college to marriage to children of our own. Sometimes things don’t happen in that order and we may choose a path that our parents or society don’t agree with, but it’s our own path to take and that is a right of passage we can all celebrate in.

Of course not all parents have been as great as mine, and there were times through my teenage years when “I knew EVERYTHING!”, that my parents didn’t think I was very grateful. But they let me be who I was and make my mistakes and were proud of me regardless of my attitude. Life hasn’t always been chocolate and roses but as a family we made it through the tough times together, and in the end we know that we are always there when we are needed.

For the past five years I’ve been struggling with the decision that God made to take my dad home at such an early age. We weren’t done with him yet, how could He possibly need him more than we did? There were grandchildren to be with and one that had yet to be born. For me in particular, I still need my Daddy even though I am all grown up, nothing replaces a hug from him or the words, “I love you Kid.” How could God take such a great man and leave the not so great ones here? A question that I will never know the answer to until it’s my time to go home. Through the years, I’ve become somewhat at peace with the fact that he is no longer here and am thankful that he didn’t suffer as long as I’ve seen some suffer. It’s the small things that help me get through the day.

I started working at the Senior’s lodge and in the few shifts I’ve had, I’ve realized that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Time is all we have and it can go by fast or it can go by very slow. It’s what we do with that time that makes our lives worth living and sharing. My heart is finally softening towards others that still have their Dad in their lives. I was a jealous person watching others enjoy their time when mine was cut short. And I pray for those that are taking their time with their aging parents for granted. We all get busy and we all forget, I am just as guilty for having time slip by so quickly. (Don’t worry mom, I will be there to look after you!)

It’s great to be able to help the people at the lodge and even more rewarding that with a simple smile and a soft touch I know I’ve made a moment of their day a good one. The small things in life are what we remember most, and when they are taken away they are the moments we miss the most. A hug, hearing I love you or just sitting in silence with the ones you love. We have a lot to be thankful for in our lives and sometimes we tend not to remember that. As bad as your day may seem to be going someone out there could be having a worse day than you. Remember the small things and life could be a little easier to get through.

Are You Being Heard?

2011-03-08T14:06:00.001-07:00

Have you ever felt as though you are speaking yet no one is listening? Besides your spouses and your children of course, that goes without saying, I’m talking about conversations you have with co-workers, friends, family that leave you wondering, what just happened there? In honor of International Women’s Day I thought it would be great to do some reflecting on how I conduct myself. I question how one sided I can make a conversation, how self centered do I come across? I know there are times where I really want to just blurt out my news or my rant before I hear the other person’s news, but for the most part I do listen first....at least that’s how I see it!

We’re all going through good times and bad times and really crazy stressful times, and sometimes listening to another person’s woes are just not of interest to us. But if you think about it, that person called you for a reason, was it to hear all about you? Or was it because they needed an ear? Do they have something to celebrate? Do they really want your advice? Or was it so you BOTH could just talk and you BOTH could listen.

Our “stuff” sometimes feels like it is more important than other people’s “stuff”, and it can be really annoying, when you feel like you’re not being heard. Or you’re made to feel like your problems are not as bad as you think they are. Who are we to determine what is a bad problem and what is not?

I find when I actually listen, whatever I am going through can wait, and it takes my mind off a bad situation for a least a little while. Not that my situations are not worthy of discussion, but I’ve found that listening and waiting for the right time and place give me time to reflect. Like am I really that mad that my kids can’t find their socks? Or am I really that stressed out that Desperate Housewives has been repeats for weeks?

I treasure all the people in my life that trust me with their problems, ask me for advice and they can take it or leave it. I love being an ear for others, I don’t always have the right words, although I do wish I can make their heartache go away. Though I don’t have that power, I feel like there is nothing better than the comfort of an old friend that will listen and cry with me. Laugh with me until we cry, agree to disagree or just get mad at me because I’m being stupid.

A good friend and with a good ear is like warm stew on a cold winter day, with a great big piece of garlic toast on the side. There are many people in my life that make up my great stew, and I hope to be that same big piece of garlic toast on the side for them. I take the time now to apologize for times when I was self centered and didn’t listen to all you had to say, or didn’t give much praise where it should have been. I promise I was just distracted by missing socks and repeats on TV!

All kidding aside, thanks to all that have been there for me and inspired me to be a better friend, wife, mother and daughter. Without you I’d be really really empty!

Pot Roast And All The Gravy

2011-02-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year for me when cabin fever sets in hard, and I begin to question my own self worth, what I’ve done for society and what I can be proud of. A girlfriend of mine said it best, “I’m having a pity party and you’re NOT invited!” This is not a “pity” party so you can keep reading! It’s just a “am I normal” party and yes you are invited!

I have been looking for a part time job in town to get out of these four walls and change up the daily routine that has become so very mundane! I’ve filled out an application and made up a resume. That resume was a hard slap on my ego. To me, it pretty much said I have nothing to offer your company in the way of skills....but I can make a mean pot roast and some kick ass gravy if you’re interested. I can fold laundry like a machine and sometimes put it away, clean a toilet in 35 seconds flat all while texting and saving the world’s problems with one phone conversation with my sister down the street! The world is in economic crisis and I say get some coupons people, get some coupons!

My life skills have grown yet my working, technical skills have not. My work experience ended 8 years ago, and that makes me feel like I’ve been lost by society with no T4 to hand in. I have filled my time with raising my family, building a comfortable life with my husband and surviving all that life has decided to throw my way. And yet I STILL question what have I done to deserve this happy life? But to an employer that reads....Wow you’ve been at home in your pj’s blogging, how great for you. But you don’t have anything on paper to offer.

My kids are my greatest accomplishment no question. And I know what I’m doing staying home with them is a blessing, that goes without saying. I have no certificates to hang on the wall, but I have two girls that I can bring with me everywhere and display proudly as they hang off the grocery cart whining that they want to go home or they want candy! Two girls that will fight freely in public over who is the smartest and who is the tallest, and freely tell me in public how much they love me once I’ve given into the candy scream.( No it’s not that bad, I love them to no end whether they are good or bad and they make me proud with each passing day that there was no monumental meltdown!)

When my husband comes home he has news from his day in the outside world and it’s interesting. He asks me how was your day, and it’s the same answer...good. Elise and I colored, we made bread, we played Little People. Then she got bored and I did laundry, cleaned this that and the other and I’m going to do it all again tomorrow. I made a decision on supper and actually managed to shower. I did my hair and put on some make-up, to which I was asked, “Why do you look so fancy today?” Reiterating the fact that I am in a really bad rut!

Cabin fever has set in the same time every year for me. This winter has not been a good one, so cold and rotten and I’m ready for spring. A new season, some fresh air and a fresh perspective. No need to send out the cavalry, I’m not going to do anything drastic. Just hoping the phone rings soon and the news will be, “You’re hired.” And the day I actually bring home a pay cheque, will make me feel like I’ve contributed, as the government can start freely stealing money from me once again. And to celebrate I’ll make a pot roast with lots of gravy, and finally be proud of every bite and think to myself, “Damn you’re good.”

Emma's Box of Patience

2010-12-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

My daughter has been asking me for a story just for her. This was a hard one!

"When is Christmas ever going to get here?", Emma asked herself as he paced in her room back and forth back and forth.

"I'm so borreeed, bored, bored." She sat on her bed with her arms crossed and her head down. "School is on a break, dance is on a break and Mom says she needs a break. What good is a break anyway? All a break means is that I'm bored!"

Emma got off her bed and went into the kitchen. She found her mom cleaning up and said, "Mom, I'm bored."

"Really? It's only the third day of Christmas Break and you're bored already?", asked her Mom.

Emma let out a BIG sigh and said, "Yes. There is nothing to do."

Her Mom listed off a bunch of things she could do but Emma said no, no, no to all of them.

"Never mind," said Emma. "I'll find something."

"Good thinking, use your imagination, "said her Mom.

Emma went back to her room. "Use my imagination. Hmm....what can I come up with?"

"Oh! I know! I'll pretend I'm a princess locked in a closet and I'll wait for my prince to come and rescue me!"

She climbed into her closet, found a small spot on the floor where she could sit and hid behind the clothes. "This is perfect," she thought to herself. "Now I'll just wait and my magic prince will use his x-ray vision and find me!"

Emma waited and waited and waited. And waited and waited and waited. After a long while Emma decided that this wasn't a game for one, she better go get her little sister, Elise, and she could be her prince.

"ELISE! Where are you?", Emma shouted from her room. Let's play Princess and Elise!"

"W-H-A-T?" Elise shouted back from the playroom.

"I SAID,LET'S PLAY PRINCESS AND ELISE!"

"W-H-A-T?" Elise shouted again.

"Why don't you go to the playroom and speak to her there Emma," her mom said sounding annoyed.

"Okay." Emma went to the playroom and explained her game to her little sister.

"Uh, no thanks. I no wanna to. I playing Little People. You wanna play Little Peoples and Elise?"

"NO, I don't! HUMPH!", Emma turned on one heal and stomped back to her room.

"Christmas Break is boring! Who needs Christmas Break anyway? Christmas is NEVER going to get here."

Emma's Mom came into her room after she heard the commotion. "What's the problem Emma?"

"I'm so bored and now Elise won't even play with me. She makes me so mad sometimes. Little sisters are no fun and Christmas Break is no fun!"

"You won't think so in a few days. Just find your patience and you'll be surprised what patience will bring you."

"What? More presents?!" Emma asked with a smile.

"You know that Christmas isn't just about gifts." Said her mom.

"I know, it's about giving, Christmas spirit, Baby Jesus and the final countdown to being good!"

"Well yes you're right about those things, but being good is a smart idea for the whole year, not just the week before Christmas. Patience brings you love and joy and your own sense of magic in your heart."

"You mean I can really have magic? It's really real?" asked Emma.

"Magic is in all of us, we just have to figure out how to use it."

"Do you have magic Mom?" Emma asked.

"I like to think so," said her Mom as she kissed her on the top of her head.

Emma thought long and hard about patience. "Patience means waiting and waiting and Mom says good things will come. I don't know what patience looks like though. How can I find it if I don't know what it looks like?"

Emma began to search her room, "Is it under my bed? Is it in my closet? Is it behind my table?" She decided to look around the house, "It's got to be here somewhere," she said.

After hours of looking and searching and exploring Emma became very frustrated and went to talk to her Mom.

"Mom, I've been looking all over the house for my patience but I can't find it! What does it look like EXACTLY?"

"Oh Emma, it is not something you can see or touch. Patience is something that is inside your heart and your mind."

"Okay, then what EXACTLY does that mean?" Emma asked even more frustrated than before.

"Hmm.. remember when you wanted to get your ears pierced and we said you had to wait until your birthday?"

"Yes."

"Well you waited six long months and then your birthday came and you got your birthday wish. So for you that time patience came in the form of pierced ears. It is different for everyone. For me it was waiting for you to be born, you were two weeks overdue and I thought the world was going to come to an end if you hadn't come out already! And then I got a call from the hospital to say that it was time to get you out! So patience for me was finally holding you in my arms instead of my belly."

Emma giggled.

"Patience can be the moment you finally learn that special step in ballet or tap, or when you figure out that really long word in school. For some people it's that moment when the Doctor says they are better after hurting for a long from being sick."

"Oh. Okay I think I understand. Practice means patience and waiting means patience. But why do you say, "Find your patience", if it's nothing I can see or touch?"

"I guess I mean practice your patience and you'll see it that way. I have an idea.", said Emma's Mom. She gave Emma a square red box with a lid and a white bow on top. She opened it up and inside was a white shiny lining but nothing inside.

"What's this for?" asked Emma. "There is nothing in it."

"This box is a good place to keep your patience and see it grow. Close your eyes, make a wish in your mind and then whisper it in the box. Close the lid tight so it doesn't escape. When you're waiting for something to happen, like in this case Christmas Day, and you feel like you're losing your patience, take the box in your hands and squeeze the lid on tighter and tighter. That way it will remind you that the day is coming and not to let go of the magic it will bring you."

Emma smiled took the box and went into her room. She took the lid off and whispered her wish inside, just as her mom explained. "I wish for Christmas Day to get here, to see my cousins, and family, to eat LOTS of chocolate and to open lots of presents! But don't tell mom that last part!" She closed the lid as quick as she could and put the box on top of her dresser.

Emma stared at that red box for days, picking it up and squeezing it every now and then to make sure her patience wasn't escaping. Finally it was Christmas Eve. ONE MORE SLEEP! "You can do this." Emma said to herself. At bedtime she and her sister put out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. Mom tucked her into bed and kissed her on her cheek.

"How's the patience going Emma?"

"Really good, it tried to get out but I stuffed it back in and now we have one more sleep!"

"Good news!" said her mom. "See you in the morning, but not too early right?"

"I can't promise that Mom!"

Emma fell fast asleep and dreamed of snow and treats and presents. Before she knew it she opened her eyes and she could feel that Santa finally came. She rushed out of her room and woke everyone up.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!" she yelled as she jumped on her parents bed.

Emma sat and looked around the living room after the presents were all open and smiled. She was happy she had her patience with her and thought she should share it. She went to her room grabbed the red box and gave it to her mom.

"What's this for?" asked her mom.

"Well I was thinking and I thought you could use it too. You know when you say that you are about to lose your patience when you're getting mad at us?"

Her Mom nodded.

"Just shove it back in here and hold it tight, that way you won't actually lose it and we won't get into trouble!"

"I'll do my best Emma. Thank-you. I love you. Merry Christmas Baby."

"Merry Christmas Mommy."

Super Domestic Diva/Engineer!

2010-12-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Multitasking and busy took on a whole new meaning this week! The Christmas season is upon us and the BIG day is soon to arrive. Do I have the shopping done...NOPE! Do I have the tree up...YUP! (creatively decorated by my girls!) Do I have Christmas baking done...NOPE! (I did but we ate it.) So maybe like, or unlike, other wives and mothers I still have a lot to do! Instead of tackling the shopping I decided that finishing our spare room in the basement is far more important...and to do it without my husband's knowledge. (so shhh..he hasn't noticed yet!)

Almost two years ago we paid to have some rooms built, a spare bedroom, bathroom and laundry room. Problem being our contractor stopped at the drywall stage(he didn't like the mudding/taping/sanding junk) and we knew this going into it. We decided we could do the rest ourselves. Well a few coats of mud was put on and then left to dry...for 2 years. (I don't recommend that brand of mud by the way!) Looking at it every second day for a long time I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and just get it done already.

It took me four days to get to the ready to prime and paint stage. As I am in this room sanding, sanding, sanding I am realizing why dry-wallers get paid so much, and why my husband didn't feel the urge to get back at it! It is a painful, slow and dusty job, not to mention the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing, but whatever...I'm doing it! Even with drywall dust in my eyes and up my nose causing some really sticky boogers I still finished what I had to do! And then the final coat of mud was next...and this is where the fun began.

I found a BIG container of mud unopened, and of course it needed to be mixed. I found a drill with a large egg beater type attachment on it. (Well that must be what I should use to mix this pail!) Easy enough! I place the mixer in the mud about halfway down, bracing myself a little. Pull the trigger and before I knew it the room was splattered with mud, my pants and feet covered and the pail is on its side....(Huh...I guess it's a little more powerful than my hand mixer in the kitchen...note to self...a POWER tool has some power!
) Standing in awe of the mess I made in a matter of five seconds I didn't know what to clean up first. Elise pokes her head in to see what the noise is all about and says, "Oh Mommy..What you do?" "I don't know, I do not know." I answered. I get it cleaned up as best I could and grab a wooden spoon to finish mixing...at least I can control that!

I worked until noon everyday to ensure I wouldn't be caught, made sure Elise was fed lunch (although she was in her glory as snacks were at her finger tips and Mommy's response to those snacks was "Whatever...I don't care!" which by the way I heard her telling her Little People that same phrase! Oops!) and supper was planned and prepared on time, laundry not piling up etc. Took the girls to dance and hair appointments, helped with homework, kept in touch with friends and family, and didn't neglect my husband at all!

I sanded for the last time today, it's not perfect, but not bad. I keep picturing the Holmes on Homes dude standing in his overalls and muscle shirt shaking his head as he inspects my work saying, "These are good people, just wanting some extra rooms...they didn't deserve this...always check out your contractors people, always check your contractors!"

Next week is painting and I just might get caught at that time with all the pesky fumes and stuff, but I'm hoping to have it done, with the bed set up ready for some Christmas company! I do have to mention that I have done all of this with my new set of gel nails and have not broken one yet! Shout out to Lindsay for keeping this Domestic Diva/Engineer beautiful/functional and at her finest all at the same time! I wish my fellow friends/moms/wives a successful holiday season and may you finish all that you have put on your to do list...shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping, Christmas concerts, and maybe some home renos! Merry Christmas ladies!

Two Mothers, One Love

2010-12-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

In July I entered a short story writing contest, encouraged by my Aunty Lois. I did not win but was honored to hear that my story made it into their book called Formation, along with other Canadian writers. So here is my entry.

Two Mothers, One Love

Two mothers, though strangers, show each other that the act of selfless, unconditional love is the hardest life lesson to go through, and yet worthwhile at the same time. Together through the process of adoption they share a common ground; placing the wellbeing of a child ahead of their own.

She stood by the window looking through the clear glass, gently rubbing her pregnant tummy. With a sigh, she whispers softly to her unborn child,

"Know that I love you, and I always will. Please understand that when I made the decision to place you in adoption, I did it so you could follow whatever dreams you want to fulfill, as I was not able to help make these dreams come true. I wish you all the love and contentment that you can possibly take in. And know that my love for you is, and always will be abundant. You will for eternity be in my heart, and in no way far from my thoughts. I did this not to make my life easier, but to make sure you never had to carry a concern or burden because of my decisions. I chose your family with my heart, and feel confident that they will raise you the way I would have. The day is coming soon when you will take your first breath. I will be there to hear your voice, and give you your first kiss. I pray that you feel my love through that kiss for a lifetime."

As a tear gently dropped from her eye, she felt her baby give a gentle nudge from inside her, as though in response to her mother's wishes.

She sat on her bed looking at the picture of her daughter on the bedside table. A smile swept across her face, and a tear trickled down her cheek. She longed to give her daughter; now 6 years old, a sibling and to see her family grow. Years of trying for another baby and the heartbreaks of multiple miscarriages had led her and her husband to adoption. After a year of making their way through the adoption process the news finally came that they had been chosen as a newborn baby girl's adoptive family. Filled with as much excitement as the day she found out she was pregnant, she was overwhelmed with elation and emotion. She took a deep breath and spoke softly to the mother of the baby, that will soon be welcome into her life.

"I am and will be forever grateful to you for your precious gift. I promise I will love and treasure your daughter just as I have my very own. She will have a good life; full of love and happiness, more than you could wish for. She will grow up a strong and self-assured woman. She will know how much you loved her, and that you always will. I wish you love and happiness, that your worry soon subsides, and your heart fills with joy, just as you have filled mine."

As she wiped the tears from her eyes, the door to the bedroom slowly opened. Her daughter came in and took her mother's hand, "Mommy, let's go get my sister."

The baby feels a gentle kiss fall on her cheek. She moves her head towards the touch and for a moment, opens her eyes. She coos as she hears whispers of a recognizable voice. Her mother gently places her down in the bassinet and squeezes her tiny hand one last time. The baby falls fast asleep, and wakes to a different whisper though just as soothing. She feels yet another kiss fall upon her cheek. The baby wraps her delicate hand around her new mother's finger and fixates on the fresh face before her. She lets out a soft sigh in acceptance and snuggles into the embrace of her mother, still grasping her finger.

With the touch of the baby's hand, both mother's hearts distend with love; confirming that their wishes, though silent, were heard. A silent wish made, a silent promise pledged, forever acknowledged with each milestone passed on the journey through the baby's life. Two mothers, though strangers, forever bonded by a simple touch of a baby, and their ability to selflessly give unconditional love for the wellbeing of a child.

Polar Expressions Publishing

A Remembrance Day to Remember

2010-11-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today was a day to remember on so many levels and was shared with my "partner in crime" in this life we know as "motherhood". It started off as a normal Wednesday morning, or so we hoped! My sister-in-law, Dawn-Marie, or as I like to call her one of my actual "sisters", had dropped off Julie so that Emma and she could walk to school together. With a frazzled look about her I questioned her on what could possibly be the matter?!! Turns out the kids had a Remembrance Day Assembly at which they would be singing and it was very important that we attend. Not knowing that the kids were performing we hadn't really planned on going. The girls headed out the door, Emma in her Sparks attire and promises of seeing them soon. The girls told us it was first thing in the morning, and we kind of thought it would be around eleven, but they insisted it was not. Dawn-Marie called the school twice to try and find out what time it was but there was for some reason no answer. So off we go to the school at 8:45, only to run into a teacher that told us it was at 10:45. Okay then. Back to my place for coffee where we discussed our next plan of attack to get back to the school with all the little ones in tow.

With fifteen minutes to spare Dawn-Marie gets a phone call from Julie that she must be in her Brownie uniform in order to march in with her troop to kick off the assembly. Normally that would have been okay but as luck would have it, the baby was still sleeping and "Bam-Bam" was still at his Wednesday morning activity not leaving extra time to fly into the school and get Julie changed. So a quick phone call to me and between the two of us, managed to get her changed and marching in on time! PHEW!

If you can remember what it's like to have little ones you know how hard it is to keep them quiet especially during such an important event. That being said, our presence was well known as soon as 11:00 hit. Silence covered the gymnasium for the respectful moment of silence for our fallen soldiers. And a moment was all Bam-Bam could take. "BASKETBALL AUNTY!" he shouts as he points to the nets around the gym. "Yup," I whispered. "Sshhh...let's be quiet." "NO SSSHHH!" he shouts back. Trying hard not to laugh I pretend I didn't hear him.

We got through the ceremony, barely. Kept him busy with candy and a quick walk to the potty, the kids did pretty good overall. Despite Bam-Bam telling the kids to be quiet as they sang O Canada, and God Save the Queen! It was a good, successful day I would say! The girls sang with their class and did us proud, for a moment we forgot just how much of an effort it was to get there with little ones and missing uniform!

Emma got home from school and again I told her what a great job she did and how proud I was of her. Elise gave her a high five and off she went to unwind from her day. I was in my room folding laundry when Emma comes in and says, "Mom, I'm really sad right now." Me thinking she's going to say she's sad because she won't be in school for the next five days, I quickly say, "Oh yeah...why?" Her big brown eyes well up with tears, her chin and her lip quivering she says, "I'm sad for the soldiers. The ones that died." Well open up the flood gates of your mother's heart why don't ya? WHAM! I'm in there with her lip quivering, tears flowing I grab her and give her a big squeeze. "Emma, you have the biggest heart I have ever seen on such a little girl."

I was impressed that she actually understood what Remembrance Day really means. She said that the soldiers died for us to have peace and so that we can live here. And more tears flowed from her eyes, I held her tight and rubbed her back. "Thanks Emma for having a big heart and for loving even a perfect stranger and being thankful for what you have."

She left my room and came back in with a paper that read, "Soldiers thik you" (Soldiers thank-you). "Mom I want to give this to a soldier, can we find one?"

Shivers ran up my spine as I hugged her and kissed her on the top of her head. She has always been an emotional girl, connected with others in such a unique way. I try hard to help her grow with and learn about when and how to use these emotions but today she showed me that her heart is her heart, and I wouldn't change a thing. A day that began in a bit of an uproar, ended with a life lesson from my six year old. Never forget, never forget, never forget.

Curve Balls

2010-10-26T17:23:00.000-06:00

When life throws you a curve ball do you swerve to catch it or swerve to dodge it? The easy way out is to dodge it. If you go in for the catch, it might hit you in the face. But, if you have the right tools and the right team behind you, the catch is always going to be worth the risk. I applaud those that go in for the catch. They may get hit in the face but will go for it again and again and when the timing is right the ball lands right in their hands.

I love the saying; "Smile at a stranger because you never know what they are going through too." ( Or something to that effect) There is always something going on in every person's life whether it is directly affecting them or indirectly. Curve balls are being thrown every second, sometimes we are the catchers and sometimes we are the pitchers. It's hard to believe but when we make a bad decision (pitching) in our lives it does affect other people. And when we see that it really has affected other people, ignoring it isn't an option anymore. What baffles me is that some people keep ignoring and ignoring until the problem has gone beyond repair, and yet they still can't see that they just might have been the initial pitcher.

Bad things happen to good people and good people do bad things. That's just an unfortunate fact in our life journey. It's hard, in the heat of the moment, to think about what our actions would do to others and cause the ripple effect. The majority of the time we have the common sense to think of others and sometimes we can be just plain selfish. I'll just do it and deal with it later. But when is later too late?

Eventually our bad decisions or curve balls do catch up with us. Do we accept responsibility for our actions or do we ignore it and hope it goes away? Most of the time when we ignore things the curve ball has been caught and thrown back in our face. Is this when we finally take responsibility for our actions or do we start to deny and blame, causing more pitching on our part.

It seems as though every decision we make big or small, good or bad does, in the long run, affect others. As hard as that is to deal with it's what we are faced with. There are a lot of people that can see the difference and unfortunately a lot of people that simply cannot.

At times it may seem that the world is stacked against you. But in reality it is NOT. You are in control of your actions, your decisions and your role in this world. God didn't make you steal that lipstick, or cheat on your spouse or abuse your child. You chose that action. Now deal with it. Accept it and think of the person that your bad decision has hurt. Did they deserve to be in the path of your destruction?

Stop denying and start dealing. Stop throwing and start catching. Easier said than done, and wishful thinking on all counts. But I've always been a dreamer that one day we will all learn how to just play nice, just like our mothers have always wanted us too.

The Day The Women Went

2010-10-02T16:46:00.000-06:00

I took a very long break from the blog, not to worry I still have lots to say, just haven't taken the time to say it! This summer was busy, short and long all at the same time. Weddings, holidays and a lot of hanging out by our friend's pool! Now we are back in the swing of things, school, dance, Girl Guides, and soon to be ball hockey. My head space is much calmer when we have routine and I'm happy to be back at the grind so to speak.

Last weekend there was a golf tournament here in town put on by The Cougars Women's Hockey Team. I have heard a lot of things about this tournament since we moved here, and this was the first time I had participated. I'll admit some of the stories I had heard made me a little nervous about attending this function. I vowed that I wasn't going to partake in too many "beverages" so not to be the talk of the town! Well that vow was thrown out the window by the second hole! And after the third hole some events of our "golfing" is a bit of a blur.

The truth of the matter is that all the women at this tournament were there for a good time, a break from the roles we all have being wives and mothers, leaders, employees, business owners etc. We were there to just be ourselves. As a friend of mine put it, taking off the all the hats that she wore and putting on hers!

"That's me, unedited!", she said. And that is how we all felt.

How often can we just be crazy and let loose?

Everything went out the window as soon as we drove the first ball off the tee! There was "golf cart surfing", "golf cart derby" and "golf cart car pooling"! Who knew you could put four, six or nine people on one cart! The Marshal certainly had his work cut out for him! He told our team on several occasions that the carts are only for two people at a time. He explained that the year prior there was some damage to the carts because of too many occupants. So I sat down beside this elderly gentleman and asked,

"Do I look like I'm going to break this cart, Sir?"

Because he was an older man he knew the exact answer, and that of course was, "No miss, you are very beautiful. You just can't sit on the back of the cart, that is what the seats are for."

I responded with, "Well how are we going to pick up our balls without stopping and getting off then?"

He knew there was no response to that. He tipped his hat and drove off down the fairway shaking his head. I'm sure he was having a very long day, and is certainly glad that it's over for another year. We, on the other hand, are already getting our teams together recruiting more members and counting down the days until next September!

At first I was worried about what kind of women were going to be at this tournament, and worried what they would think of me, and at the end of the day I was so happy to have been invited and to have been a part of it. I'm sure there are still some that are shaking their heads as to what they actually witnessed, but it was a really good time! We were all there for one purpose and that purpose was to be "free". Free from our "hats". Free from the "rules". And to just let out that crazy inner teenager that we all have! Some expressed themselves with costumes and I must say that the "Milfshakes" were my absolute favourite!

So I thank all the women of Tofield and surrounding areas, The Cougars hockey team and my friends for an amazing day! Letting loose and having fun was just what I needed. The wives and mothers of Tofield were let out for a day and it was, in a word... epic.

Let's See You Get Out of THAT!

2010-08-09T20:50:00.000-06:00

Kota, our "puppy", showed us just how smart he really is. While Corey was on holidays he made Kota a dog run, and he did a pretty good job. Kota was very happy to finally be somewhat free and not tied to our apple tree, but tonight he figured out how to escape.

I was bathing the girls when Tasha our other dog started barking like crazy at the front door. Corey was playing Xbox in the living room yelling at Tasha to stop barking. When she didn't listen he got up to see what the commotion was, and when he sees Kota at the front door he asks me, "How did Kota get out?"

"Um, I don't know," I answer as I'm elbow deep in shampoo and bubbles calmly trying to wash Elise's hair as she is screaming in my ear that she "NO WANT TO HAVE BATH!"

He goes outside to assess the situation, puts Kota back in and right in front of Corey Kota escapes again, under the chain link fence, he pushed himself to freedom. Corey grabs some wire to put across the bottom of the entire length of the fence. It took him about a half hour to do this. Once he finished he looks at Kota and says, "There! Let's see you get out of that! HA!"

Corey comes back inside just about to sit down and start playing again, when Kota makes another appearance in the backyard OUT of his run.

"Uh, Honey! Kota's out!"

"What? How the......?"

Out he goes again, more assessing, some head scratching, some thinking. I made the suggestion to grab the pegs from the trailer that we use to hold the awning in place, to hook the fence down. He agrees that that just might work. So he finds them and fastens them in. We lure Kota back into the run.

"NOW, let's see you get out of that!"

Kota sits and waits for us to go back in, I walk to the window and boom, out he goes AGAIN!

"Uh, Honey! He got out again!"

"Geez...(bleep, bleep, bleep) dog!"

Now Corey grabs a board and two big bricks from our fire pit. Puts it in place with meaning, and with a kick at the ground and a point of his finger he says, "THERE, now let's see you get out of THAT! HUMPH!" and off he walks into the house.

I sit on the deck and watch. Kota moves the brick out of way with one flick of his paw, manoeuvres his head over the board and under the fence. Now this took a little more doing on his part but he got out no problem.

"HONEY! He's getting oooouuuuutttt!" No answer.

"COREY! He's out now!"

"NO he's not, WHATEVER!" he answers as he thinks I'm joking, well hopes that I'm joking.

"YES! YES he is!"

Jokes over, now he's mad, not finding the humour in it as I still do! It's hard to keep my facial expressions under wraps and laughing at that moment would not have been a good idea, so I chose to go inside, grinning from ear to ear. He gets him back in, moves the brick to the outside of the run, this time doesn't say a word to Kota and walks back into the house. Muttering some sweet nothings, I'm sure, under his breath.

Finally Kota is secure in the run, but is in the process of moving his body across the fence to find out if he can get out somewhere else, so we are crossing our fingers that he won't figure out that the rest of the fence is just as flexible. It's only a matter of time though.

And so Kota I take back all the times I called you a dumb dog, cause clearly you are pretty smart!

Big City Driving

2010-07-22T14:07:00.000-06:00

I clearly have been moulded into the small town way of life, laid back, voluntarily waving at people I don't know, no traffic to fight and no road rage to deal with. Today I had to drive through the city to take Emma to her annual check-up in St. Albert. And every year I feel more and more like small town folk. I've never liked big crowds or lots of traffic but it seems as though the city is not getting any smaller and drivers are not getting any nicer. Despite all the campaigns out there for safe driving it seems they are making an opposite reaction in the big city.

Today I learned that keeping a cars length between me and the car in front of me is only an invitation to others to cut in front of me, and not keeping a safe distance. I also learned that stopping abruptly trying to avoid being t-boned by a cab driver, will cause the cab driver to also stop abruptly but proceed to make obscene gestures and yell at you because you avoided an accident and possibly death that he would have caused. He also taught my 6 year old some words that caused her to ask what they mean, and honestly I really couldn't give her the proper definition other than...(never mind, it's a bad word do not repeat it!).

I am not a slow highway driver, I do speed but not enough to warrant a ticket, but in the city I tend to stick to the limits because of all the cameras and radar traps, I just don't want to pay the fines. And this especially goes for construction zones! But the words SPEED FINES DOUBLE mean nothing to city drivers, and quite frankly if you adhere to the limits be prepared for major road rage. I would like to thank the city driver for schooling me today in the construction zone. I sure learned my lesson when you came up on my rear end so fast and then swerved around to cut me off and slam on your brakes. That was just awesome, my kids won't have seat belt burn over that one at all. I'm sorry I didn't bet the memo that 95 was the new speed limit for construction zones. The workers must be so relieved that we can go faster so that they will be splattered all over the road instead of just in one spot.

Granted I am a small town person and have been for 4 years now. We don't have to fight traffic and we don't even have to wait for a traffic light! The only things we wait for are trains, crosswalks and the seniors in town when they make a right or a left turn. At first this used to bother me, and now I welcome it. But to brush up on my city driving maybe I'll practice some of the gestures in town and see what kind of reaction I'll get! Or I'll just take some anti-anxiety medication for each drive into the city.

Is It PMS? Or is it really ME?

2010-07-20T13:41:00.000-06:00

I'm going to open right up here and discuss my flaws that I have come to realize I actually have during that great time the medical world has dubbed PMS. For me, there is only about a week out of every month that I feel somewhat "normal" and the other three weeks I will blame on my cycle. I could just chalked it up to the three weeks being my actual self since it consumes more of my time, but then I would just look and sound like a bitch, and well if you don't live with me, then I'm not, I'm quite pleasant to be around! (or at least that's what I like to think!)

The physical pain of PMS isn't really my issue, it's my mood swings and hormones that I try to keep under wraps. Since I've been in my 30's I've noticed that these trips down the pre-menstrual highway have become a lot more bumpy and unpredictable, almost like a train derailment. You know things are bad when the simple sound of breathing makes me want to turn my head and hiss at the person that is near me making the annoying sound they must do to stay alive! Don't get me wrong, if they are across the room, I'm good but if they are sitting beside me or behind me it's like nails on a chalkboard. I know this is bad and it's even worse that I can't vocalize my problem! I would love to say, "Must you breathe so loud, I'm trying to write a very important blog entry here!" But I'm grateful that I haven't passed the point of no return just yet and made the mistake of vocalizing what I'm thinking. I know that my time will come though when I hit the journey of menopause, because by that point I really won't care what I sound like!

Another one of my not so favourite sounds is chewing. I'm not talking about rude chewing either, because then I could say something. Nope for me it's just normal chewing of the food with a closed mouth, it could be crunchy food, soft food, or even soup! For some reason the sound is amplified like I'm sitting in the front row of a Marilyn Manson concert. I have been so annoyed sometimes that I have removed myself from the table and went to eat in another room! That's right I said it for all to see!

I am an emotional person by nature, but when the hormones are turned up on high I am all over the map. Laughing one minute, crying a half second later, then angry, and back to laughing. Commercials are the worst for that trigger! No word of a lie, one time there were a sequence of commercials that made me do this in a very short time span. The DQ commercial for the flame thrower burger where the dude takes a bite then goes to talk and flames shoot out of his mouth; makes me laugh every time, then the CIBC commercial where the dad is giving his daughter away at her wedding and gives her a big fat cheque too; leaves me bawling, then the Always commercial that ends in "have a happy period", yup ANGER; then the Cadbury commercial with the clucking bunny, total laughter! If that's not an emotional roller coaster, I don't know what is! And my poor family that had to witness that, I'm sure they were searching for the Midol for me, but I happened to be out of it that day.

My vocabulary becomes very limited as well. My husband will lovingly ask, "What's your problem?" and I lovingly answer with the stink eye, "NOTHING." To which he replies, "Oh." He'll try again, and ask, "So, how was your day?" And then I don't try and say with a hiss, "FINE." Then you see the light bulb go off in his head and he knows what time of month it is, and quietly moves on. The kids ask, "What's for dinner Mommy?" I answer, "NOTHING!" "Why?" they ask scared that really aren't going to eat for the next few weeks. "Because the only thing Mommy wants to see, smell and consume right now is chocolate, and that is not good for YOU, so......you get nothing!" Emma has been in the family longer than Elise so she gets it already, just walk away and Mommy will stop. But Elise still has a few years before she gets it, and will continue on the quest of" what's for dinner?"

Eventually they get fed, and we sit at the table like a family and talk about our day. I have" nothing" to say because it was" fine", and the sound of them breathing and chewing at the same time causes me to explode internally or like I said before leave the room entirely. Sometimes family dinners are not the way to go in our house, as the Swanson Frozen dinner people claim they do. They may keep my kids out of trouble and off of drugs later on in life, but for now, in the Jack household, they are giving them more ammo for their weekly therapy sessions. I do hope they don't do drugs, but if they do, I hope I find them, and then maybe Mommy will be easier to live with!

Do You Work?

2010-06-28T15:17:00.000-06:00

Recently I was asked by a woman if I worked. I could end the blog here and you could probably fill in the blanks as to how I handled this question, but seeing how I "don't work", I have the time to let you know exactly how it went down.

I was grocery shopping in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day with both girls in tow. One screaming that she wanted to walk and not be in the cart, the other "helping" me shop by loading the cart with all the "healthy" food she could find. Not really a moment where I felt like chit chatting with strangers and not a good moment to be asked questions by the Wal-Mart credit card person who was trying to get me to fill out the application as she followed me down each aisle. At first I politely ignored her, but she was a persistent little bugger and decided that she would be" helpful" by asking questions as I shopped and she would fill out the application for me.

"What is your name?"

"Mommy"

"Oh, no your legal name."

"Mommy."

"Okay, what is your date of birth?"

"I can't remember it was so long ago."

"Hmmm....okay well, do you work? What is your occupation?"

And that is when I could no longer play nice.......it got ugly.....and fast.

"Yes as a matter of fact I do, and you are interrupting me as I do it! My occupation is, Mommy as I stated in my name. Imagine that, my name and my occupation are the same damn word! I work from 6:30 am until 10:00 pm every single day including holidays. Holidays require a double shift, and if someone is sick I'm pulling an all nighter! I do dishes, laundry, clean bathrooms and toilets, make meals, vacuum, kiss the boo boos away, scare the monsters back to where they came from, and wake up the next day to do it all over again. My income is less than you make here, but what I lack in income I am rewarded in love and hugs from these two right in front of you. A little word of advice my dear would be that you rephrase your question to Do you work OUTSIDE the home. You just may get a better response, and when someone ignores you that means they aren't interested in your credit card!"

"Right.....sorry about that....."

I am not going to start a war over who is more overworked a working outside the home mom or a stay at home mom, I believe we are equal in our endeavours. I'm sure both kinds of moms are a little envious of the other, one would like to be home more and the other would like to get out more. But my days get just as busy as the next moms and they all sometimes mesh together. The credit card lady caught me on a really stressful busy day and I'm sure I could have handled her differently. But I did not, yes she was just doing her job but so was I. My job requires me to be an annoyance to my family, her job requires her to be an annoyance to the public. Either way we were both annoying to each other.

My Army

2010-06-12T11:42:00.001-06:00

Something we can all relate to in our lives is some form of loss or tragedy, no one wants to experience it, but at some point we all have to. That is the common denominator, how we deal with or work through that loss is entirely up to us. We cannot control our future, but we can control our actions. We chose our own path; is it one of further destruction or one that we can learn from? The harder road is the one we take where we actually have learned from. It takes more work on our parts, more heartache in some cases but in the end the most rewarding. For some it is the road less travelled.

Choosing to be the victim, for me, seems to be more work. You smile less, you laugh less, you are not your true self. You lose yourself , and ultimately lose out on life. We all deal with things in a different way, some take longer than others to move on, that in itself is neither right, nor is it wrong. What is wrong is when you become a "toxic" energy and in turn start to take others down with you. Others that were there in the beginning to help dust yourself off, and help you take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other and move forward from the past. Those that helped comfort and support, lend an ear, give a hug and wipe the tears. Those that try to show you that you are stronger than what has happened, you, as a person, are stronger than the situation or the other person that hurt you. I believe that we all are blessed with these kind of people in our lives, whether we know it or not, there is someone there that wants to help and wants to see you help yourself.

I truly am blessed with an army of people from family to friends, and friends that are family. I feel that some I have taken for granted, though not on purpose, just could have shown a better appreciation for the role they play in my life and my family's life. I find that I have guarded my heart to new relationships as I'm sure we all have for obvious reasons. I am the one to push away or step back, and I am the one to just trust the future.

As tough as I try to portray myself, I really am not hard as nails. With an outpouring of love and support from my true friends and family, today I woke up with the sun shining through my window, trees moving freely in the wind, and the birds singing their songs welcoming a new day. I decided that yes, it is a new day, the past is the past, and there is always a tomorrow. I learned this week that there are two fantastic women willing to get to know me and wanting the best for me. As I do for them, and that ultimately I am thankful for what has happened, because from a bad situation and toxic relationship sprouted two more soldiers in my army. I look forward to good times, good conversation, much laughter and a positive outlook for things that have happened and things that are to come our way.

I know I do not say thank-you enough to my circle of family and friends for their constant love and support, so I say it now. Thanks for backing me, lifting me up and just loving me for me through the good times and the not so good times. Without all of you I would not have the great life that that I live.

My Childbirth Truths

2010-05-04T18:48:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about the birth of my girls, and yes, two of the best days of my life so far, goes without saying, but also two of the strangest days of my life. Since I was a little girl I KNEW I wanted to be a mom, I just didn't know exactly how it would feel to deliver them. You can read all about pregnancy /childbirth and typically what to expect, but until you have gone through it, you will never truly know.

I never had the pleasure of going into labour "naturally", both times I had the opportunity to have my body pumped with synthetic hormones to trick my girls into thinking that it was time to come out. There is this gel that was used for Emma, that was stuck up my unit, which was to make the uterus go into contractions. We waited for many hours for this action to take place and all that happened down there was an annoying sensation that my ovaries were on fire, and that I wanted to stick ice cubes up there to turn down the heat. Next came the hormones pumped through my veins. That brought on more action, and I was told do walk around the halls to help move things along.

With your first baby, things tend to be slower in the delivery department, your body hasn't done it before, it knows that it has to, but isn't too sure which way to shoot the baby out. There are many" techniques" that the nurses will give you to help open up your cervix and get it to dilate to the winning number of 10 cm. I did laps around the hospital, sat on an exercise ball and rolled around the room, nothing was making Emma come out any faster. So more hormones were given. That brought on contractions hard and fast, but still I would not dilate. I was in a lot of pain, but could not get the ever loving epidural until I was in the right "window" of opportunity. So instead they gave me "laughing gas". It made me laugh alright, at the idea that this stuff would take the "edge" off. It was making my visitors high more so than myself.

Finally I was ready for the epidural, (and if you are a woman that did this without this form of heaven -on- earth, you are my hero, a little on the Extreme Sports side, but still, my hero!), they brought the forms in for me to sign so I wouldn't try and sue them if the dude slipped and put me in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I said," I promise I won't sue you, you are like my new best friend if you can make me comfortable." The best part was being told to hold still between contractions, (uh, right, I'll hold still but you have like 2 minutes to shove that huge needle into my spine and make my world a happy place for the duration of this miracle of birth.) He made my day in two deep breaths, my body was numb from my armpits down, I was peeing in a bag and finally giving my husband looks of "love" instead of "you are never touching me again".

I fell asleep for little catnaps of 20 minutes here and there and finally I was ready to push. And push, and push, and push, for 6 hours straight. The epidural had worn off and it was time for more, the Dude came back and did his wonderful job of making women in labour comfortable.( I bet he has like a gazillion "friends" on Facebook!) More pushing, pushing, pushing and nothing.

We had to call in more Doctors to help get her out, some complications presented itself, so another team of specialists were lining the room waiting for Emma. There must have been 10 or more strangers in the room all watching the action coming from the lower region of my body. And when you hear women tell you that once you've had a kid all modesty that you had, will be out the window; it's true. It was like Old MacDonald's Farm by the time she finally came out of my body. " With a snip, snip, here and forceps going there, here a push, there a pull, everywhere a scream heard! OHHHHHHHH, Old Mac Catharine had her first baby....E-I-E- OOUUUCCCHH!" We heard her cry and all was well, I was tired, so very tired and have been ever since. But it wasn't too bad since I went on to have Elise. (Although when it was time for Elise, I had the Epidural Dude ordered and ready to go by the time we parked the truck!)

This time, my husband did not help me out, as per mine and his request. ( Seems as though seeing how my "stuff" can morph itself from "pleasure zone" to "baby landing strip", didn't sit well with him.) So my sister "in-law", Teresa, was my coach. Corey was allowed in the room until it was push time.

Teresa was a great help, she put up with my complaining, my moaning, and my moments where I thought I was being funny while high on morphine. But really, I was being funny she just didn't get it until a couple of years later. I had seen the movie, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and while he is getting his chest waxed, through the pain he screams, "OHHHH KELLY CLARKSON!" So after a painful contraction I yelled the same! (She hadn't seen the movie nor did the nurse that was in the room, so "looks" were exchanged between the two of them and I was written off as high, not funny! )

Corey made the comment, "Why are you moaning so much you just had an epidural it should all be good." To which Teresa answered for me, "It's like you have to poop really bad and can't! You have to hold it in no matter how uncomfortable you are!"

"Oh." And that is when he made his exit. (smart!)

Once I was able to push Elise out, things went much smoother than with Emma, no snipping, no forceps just some long pushes and out she came. Tired again, but like I said before, I've been tired ever since.

After these precious little miracles are born, your body goes through some changes that will be "unknown" to you, let alone the people that surround and live with you. My hormone balance was so out of whack that I cried if Corey didn't say "hello" in the right tone, or I wanted to rip his nose off if he was breathing too loud while sleeping. Every minute was hit or miss with the tears or laughter or anger, but don't worry, you'll balance out in about 6 to 8 weeks!

Through it all, of course I'm happy to have had them, but NO, we are not having more babies. With every sneeze, cough or jump, I am reminded of the "labour" I went through to bring these beautiful girls into the world, and I admire my stretch marks as trophies to a job well done. My body will never be the same nor will my life. Although, I am blessed to have healthy kids, and blessed that with each "time out" I give them, at the end of the day, I also get an "I love you Mommy." And that my friends was worth showing my "womanhood" to the world, and crying over spilled milk, or maybe it was the milk that engorged my breasts, due to pain or just how unbelievably HUGE they were! But that is a whole other chapter!

Stress Turns Sweet

2010-05-03T21:59:00.000-06:00

It's been a quiet week for blogging, but a hectic week none the less! Still on the "potty mission", and that is just never ending, well the laundry is never ending! We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make potty training a breeze,(well maybe someone has, or at least they claim to, if I pay them $47.95, they'll tell me their secret to training in just 3 short days! Yup, my lily white a** you can!!!) As you can tell we aren't quite there yet with the potty, but I hope it will be before she's 20! So enough bathroom talk, I thought I'd finally share something else......

I had to bring the girls with me to hip hop, Corey had ball hockey and I can't miss any classes, it's crunch time and I have a lot of practicing to do! The girls were so excited to see Mommy's version of what groovin' looks like, and I was just excited to get out of the house from potty lockdown.

I gave them both the "talk" all the way to class,

"Be good. Don't run around, don't scream, just sit and watch, okay? Do you both hear me?"

I hear, " Yes Mom!" from just one little voice in the back seat.

"ELISE, DO - YOU - HEAR- ME?"

(giggle) "YETH Mommy.....I no run 'round..." (giggle)

I swear she was crossing her fingers behind her back while she said that because she so did NOT hear me!

Warm up begins, music pumping, bodies moving,( mine cracking), and you can just see Elise's "inner devil" come to life from her toes to the top of her head. She gets up watching me, watch her, I give her the stink eye, she looks away, and shakes her little booty. Small gestures at first and then all out, she got so excited she did what she thought was going to be a somersault, but turned into a flip, and she whacked her back. To her rescue I go to make sure she could breathe! All good, she shook it off. Again I tell her to sit and watch. I join back into the warm up and off she goes again, shake, shake, shakin' her groove thang!

We start the stretching portion of our warm up, (not my favourite part for so many reasons), and Elise decides that this would be a great time to join in again. She's trying to copy us and did a pretty good job, until , she fell on her head. So she figured that it would be fun to climb all over me in the middle of some kind of leg stretching deal. ( It hurts without a toddler on your back let alone with one moving all over you!) I try to move her back to her spot by Emma who is being soooooo good, but as soon as I did that she was up. I decide to just ignore her and let her have fun. Ignoring Elise is just not possible......

Now it's time for push-ups! Elise gets on my back. The other ladies in the class start laughing, "Ha Ha, let's see how many you can do NOW!" I managed to do 9 "girl" push-ups. And then onto bicycle crunches. Now she's on my stomach and I'm hitting her in the back with my knees with each one, she says, "Mommy, no hittin' that's no nice!"

"Then go sit with Emma and you won't get hit!"

Of course that isn't part of her plan. We begin some sort of butt lifting thing and now I'm bouncing her off my stomach and she decides it would be a way better ride if she just jumped up and down! I think she knocked the wind out of me a few times!

Finally we're done and, I again, place Elise back in her spot by her sister whom is still being really good! We begin our routine and I thought I'd hear Elise protest and tell Niki to turn it down, as she does to me on a regular basis. But she didn't, apparently we were in the right environment for loud music, and my living room is not. She watches us for the first run through, and then after that it was a free for all. She was running from one end of the studio to the other, looking at herself in the mirror, just about got taken out by one of the dancers, all while screaming and laughing her little head off. I finally put the not- so- nice mommy voice on and get her to sit. She's none to impressed but does manage to sit for a few more minutes, and then the whining starts, "Are you done yet Mommy?"

"5 more minutes Elise, just 5 more minutes."

Emma asks me if I'm going to get a sticker when I'm done, (she gets one for tap and ballet) I said,

"No Mommy doesn't get a sticker."

Elise was having no part of that, and starts yelling at Niki, "My Mommy get a ticker! That no nice!" Thank goodness she couldn't hear her over the music, I tell her it's okay, I don't want one. Finally class has come to an end, it was so stressful, I should've just stayed home!

On our way out to the truck Emma says, "Wow Mommy, you're really good!"

I laugh, "Thanks Emma."

"I really liked it when you did like that and then like this," as she makes the gestures of the moves as best she can as I'm running with them to get the h-e -double hockey sticks out of there.

Again, I laugh, and thank her. She says, "Mommy, I think I'm proud of you like you do to me!"

And then, I smile....and the tears well up.....and I stop the mad rush to the truck.....give her a great big hug...."Thank-you Baby."

The anxiety of the recital is still fresh on my mind, but as long as Emma is there watching and proud of her Mom I know I can get through it. All the stomach cramps and feelings of nausea, dry mouth and sweats will be worth it in the end. I'll take her being proud of me while I can because not too far into the future, her pride may turn to embarrassment during those hormonal years. And "if" or "when" it does, I'll remember the day she said she was proud and hope that she does too.

Extreme Sports - Mom Style

2010-04-24T14:58:00.000-06:00

Just when I THOUGHT life would coast for just a minute, Elise decided to step things up and get rid of her diaper! I tried a couple of months ago and she reminded me who was in control, and that folks, was NOT me. When asked by Emma's dance teacher week after week if Elise was a "Big Girl" yet, she always answered, "NO!" Seemingly annoyed more and more by the question, my niece decided that she would answer for Elise one day and said, "Nope, not today, maybe on Wednesday."

Many Wednesdays came and went until last Wednesday. Elise said, "Mommy, I want panties!" I didn't think about the "prediction" at first, and when I realized what day it was, I kind of got a shiver up my spine, that's weird.....I had to share it with the dance teacher, and her response was to remind her to ask Julie for some lotto numbers! (NO DOUBT!)

We have had to venture out of the house a few times,( as much as I have wanted to stop the world on its axis until we have this all figured out, Emma must dance and we must eat) so on those occasions I've considered this Extreme Sports -Mom Style!

Like any sporting enthusiast, I have all the right equipment for these "outings", the potty, turning the back of my SUV into a personal oasis, for my "Big Girl" in training. A fold up potty seat, for the public washrooms so we don't lose her in the BIG toilets, and of course 62 changes of clothes for those just- in- case moments. She thinks it's pretty funny to go "pee" in the back of the truck as do passersby as they do a double take, just to make sure that they really are seeing what they are seeing. A couple of moms at ballet commented on my own port-a-potty system, but hey whatever works right! The pee MUST make it to the potty! And while "going" in the Costco washroom we made a few ladies laugh at the potty party we had after Elise made a deposit! I'm sure it was strange to hear clapping and cheering coming from the stall over, believe me it's weird to do it, but again, whatever works! Thank goodness my mother- in- law was there, as she explained what the big deal was!

And so for the last 4 days, my life has revolved around my almost three- year- old and the potty, and my latest blog entry is reduced to this.....I apologize!

I don't know how many times I have asked her, "Do you have to pee? Do you need to use the potty? Are you wet?" "How about now,..... now,........ now Elise,........ how about now?"

I am annoying myself let alone her, and most recently she answered, "NOOOO Mommy! Jeepers!"

Or my personal favourite so far, "Elise, going to the potty is a "poopy" job, but someone has to do it."

"Then YOU do it Mommy!" said after day two when I thought she had given up, but she didn't, she has persevered, each day drier than the last.

My quest right now is to convince her that poop goes in the same place, and not her pants. By day 4 this is still proving to be a problem, bribes of chocolate, a new toy, money, a vacation in the Bahamas, a day at the spa, are just not working. I know she'll finally let go and do it, in the mean time I've come up with some rules:

1) Elise is in control

2)I am NOT in control

3)When in doubt refer to rules number 1 and 2.

I must go and see if a potty break is in order! Until next time, my friends, wish us luck that we finally get our "poop in a group" and that my next entries are a little more profound than potty adventures!

Public Washroom Adventures

2010-04-21T12:30:00.000-06:00

Kids are great aren't they? Who knew that when you had them, it would be a very long time until you were able to use the bathroom by yourself, or just how much fun you would have while using public facilities! Oh the adventures we've had over the years and oh how many more are to come!

Going to the public bathroom when your kids learn to talk is a phenomenon all of its own. The sights sounds and smells take on a whole new meaning in their little minds. Am I right? We try to quickly go in do our business and be on our merry way, but with my kids that hasn't happened just yet.

Before grocery shopping I had to go really bad, and was running through the parking lot to get to the bathroom, holding Elise in a football hold and dragging Emma by the hand almost flying her like a kite! As I am emptying my bladder Emma has to make her own color commentary, "Wow Mommy, you just keep peeing and peeing! Too much coffee again?"

I hear a snicker from the stall beside me, and I answer, "Yup, I guess so!"

It was Emma's turn and she comments on her own success, "I peed just as long as you this time Mommy! Maybe I'll even poop and I'll be the winner!"

More snickers from outside the stall, "Emma, going to the bathroom isn't really a competition there are no prizes for doing your business."

"Yes there is, you give Elise a chocolate every time she goes!"

(Touché.) "She's just learning and that's what I did with you, the party is over once you figure it out."

"Hmmmm....well I think it should be a party every time!"

"There isn't enough chocolate in the world to satisfy that dream Emma."

"Oh."

There have been many a comment on how much it stinks sometimes, and Elise voiced her opinion on the matter not too long ago. While waiting for Emma we hear "noises" from another stall, and even as an adult I still laugh at that, but manage to keep it to a minimum, until my baby said,

"OOPS! Hers FAAARRRTTTEEDDD!"

( Her famous tag line for when she does the ever so polite art of butt noises.) I do my very best to NOT let the girls see my reaction as it will start an uproar on all of our parts. Got myself under control, and then Elise looks under the door and yells,

"Oh! Hers poopin' mommy! She's got a stinky butt, stinky butt stinky butt!"

I grab her arm and pull her from under the stall, apologize to the woman, and quickly make our escape so that I can just unleash the laughter and snorts to go along with it!

"But Mommy! We didn't wash our hands!"

"It's okay, I have hand sanitizer in my purse, let's go!"

I look forward to the days when going to the bathroom is just that, going to the bathroom , but the immature side of me loves that we, as a family, can make memories everywhere we "go"! So let's hear your funny public washroom displays, I KNOW you have them!

Moments of Pride

2010-04-20T20:41:00.000-06:00

Three events, although separate, had the same outcome....

For me, writing is fun and a hobby. For years I was just putting my stories in an email and sending them off to family and friends. I didn't think much of my stories, just used them as ways to keep in touch. I have been told by many people that I need to write and share it with the world. I didn't really pay much attention to the praise, as the compliments came from my family and friends, and thought, well they have to be nice me! I have a very bad trait of not believing in myself, one that I do my very best NOT to pass onto my girls. I constantly tell them to "Believe in Yourself"! (So much that I painted it on Emma's wall!) And so I tell myself the same thing and do my best to listen! I am currently working on the "new" me through many different ways and I know that I must lead and guide my girls by example.

My friend Lindsay, helped me out just a month ago and gave my name to the publisher of the online magazine called www.realwomanontherun.com , she had a look at my blog and asked me to submit. I was pretty shocked, ecstatic, scared and sick to my stomach all at the at time. Together we came up with my submission and voila! my story is out there for the world to see. A very proud moment for me, as I was recognised as Catharine, not just Emma and Elise's mom! A moment when I Believed in Myself.

Which leads me to my oldest daughter Emma. She is a very shy and sensitive soul. She takes much caution in everything that she does, making sure that she does things right the first time in order to please. When things go wrong or she gets hurt in some of those processes she tends to give up for the time being and address the matters at another time. Through the years I found this to be frustrating , and was worried about her future in this great big world. (People tend to get eaten up when they've shown so much vulnerability, especially girls.) She has inspired me on many occasions with her will and determination, and taught me to" relax", she'll figure things out on her own time.

We've been asking her if she is ready for her training wheels to come off since last summer and the answer was always no. She decided that last Sunday was the time to do it. You could see the excitement and fear in her eyes, as her dad held her up and gave her instructions. My cousin and I were cheering her on, snapping pictures, and giving her encouragement. She tried and tried, scared of falling, but still wanted to figure it out. After about an hour, she walked away from it, again, I was disappointed that she was "giving up" but knew that she would tackle it again later. And she did, this time it was me holding her up and giving her the" pep" talk. It wasn't long and she was on her way, riding and balancing and trusting herself that she could do it. She was so excited as she rode, screaming and giggling, "Look Mommy! I'm really doing it!!!! I did what you said and believed in myself!" Right there I realized that I won't have to worry about her future, she has it figured out at the ripe old age of five. I pray she continues on with her will and determination and that she will remember how she felt the day she rode her bike without training wheels, for it was a day that she proved to herself, and the world, that she can do anything.

And finally, my cousin had her own milestone, that we celebrated. She is an amazing young woman in her 20's, full of love for life and all that it brings, and you just can't help but smile when you are around her. She holds a special place in my heart, a soft spot really. Emma is her biggest fan too, her patience with my kids was in short, remarkable! We made plans for her to come here and visit for the weekend, she recently suffered a broken heart and, I wanted her to have fun and forget the stupid boy that, for a short time, made her doubt herself and her ability to be loved.

We had a fun filled jam packed weekend and she made a decision to go on a date with a new fellow, but wasn't sure she was going to go through with it. I encouraged her to go for it, and with a new hairdo, a nervous stomach and a rockin' outfit she was off. (She took life by the horns and let it ride!) The woman I know and love is back to believing in herself and knowing that love is out there, and that she will find it. Who knows who her "Mr. Right" is, but when she finds him he better sit down, hold on, and be thankful to the ones before him that let her get away. Life with her will be exciting, non-stop, and full of a love that will inspire those that we secretly envy.

We three women, though at different stages in our life held a common ground. One full of pride, and confidence and moments that we all shared together. I had my "15 minutes of fame", Emma learned to ride her bike and my cousin learned to get back on hers. Moments where we let go and believed that we could accomplish the specific goals that we had set before us. We didn't cure cancer but in our own ways we gained a little more confidence, and coming from a woman that has just learned how to gain confidence instead of fat, it was a week of momentous strides!

3 Easy Steps My A**!!!!!

2010-04-15T15:42:00.000-06:00

Due to the recent "shut-down" of my link to this blog on Facebook, I am now regretting not going through with post secondary education! I've been able to coast through life without having a degree or student loans to pay off, but it seems as though a simple copy and paste system is too much for my brain to handle.

Facebook decided that since people were sharing my link on their own pages( thank-you for that!) and people were clicking it, they need a piece of the action too.( Granted it's a free site so why not. )

I, at first thought they were censoring me,( which, I still think they sort of are,) but no, we need to link hand in hand and "share" so everything will be fine. I follow the directions on the "Wizard" portion of "connect with facebook" . In 3 Easy Steps I'll be on my way! Should have been easy enough, I gave birth to two kids, this will be a walk in the "copy & paste" park!

Well either I'm a stupid "Wizard" or Facebook is because it won't let me get past step two.

"click to download file" (click!)

"open file?" (yes!)

A blank screen pops up, and I wait, waiting, wait, waiting.......no extra boxes, no bars to look at just a page that is blank. Hmmmm..... okay let's start over.

"click to download file" (click..)

"open file?" (yes..)

Same blank screen, and more waiting, waiting, waiting......no extra boxes, no bars to look at just a page that is blank. HHMMMMM......I MUST be missing something, try again.

"click to download file" (CLICK.....Mother Trucker CLICK!)

"open file?" (YYYYEEEESSSSSSSSS...........!!!!)

Like I'm at the horse track waiting for my horse to win I sit in anticipation, talking to the screen,

"Come on, come on, come on, go, go, go!"

BING!

Same blank screen, nothing to look at, but a blank flippin' screen!! AAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

I click another button, "upload later" and continue through more EASY steps of copy this and paste that on your site....okay simple enough. I navigate through both sites copy and paste, copy and paste, copy and paste......SAVE.....

"File saved". (that's right, take that!)

Would you like to test?

Why yes, yes I would......(click!)

To my amazement, I see the ever-loving Facebook icon on my blog! I did it!

Click on the "share" button like a good girl, because life and apparently Facebook, are all about sharing!

Waiting, waiting, cheering that my horse crosses the finish line this time.....

"website content has been reported abusive by Facebook users" okay!"

NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! It's not OKAY! I will not click OKAY!

Now that I am completely frustrated, I shut it down and walk away, I'll look at it again later,( gave myself a time-out.) Later came, and later went, same outcome, more frustration. And so my friends we cannot play nice and "share" on Facebook. At this point it is NOT good for my mental health and I choose to stay in my corner before I throw an all out tantrum on the floor! Or I may break into the vodka right now, but Corey won't be home until after the children are in bed, and I have to drive to hip hop. (Although the vodka may enhance my hip hop moves......) no, no, I just will not try and "share"!

I will "blog on" and let you know when there is a new entry, so you can read on. Thanks for all your support and for enjoying a "look" through the window to my life, and finding amusement because you can "relate" to my everyday shenanigans!

Bringing Sexy Back

2010-04-13T15:55:00.001-06:00

For my husband's birthday back in October I decided that I would be his present to unwrap. I've been working out religiously with Jillian and it was time that he reap the rewards of my new found physique!
(oh and if you are reading this and you gave birth to me or you gave birth to my husband, please proceed to the blog entry "A New Religious Experience", and remember that we did go to church recently!)
.....Okay so, my lingerie wardrobe consists of 100% cotton night shirts with spaghetti straps trimmed with lace, the color of pink and Disney prints on the front, and to really get racy some have a slit up the side! ( I know, so fantastically hot right?)
I figured that maybe it's time to spice things up a bit and add some red to my repertoire. I recruit my shopping partner in crime and off we go with the kids to the Big City to find my husband a present!
Just by habit I go straight for the cotton nightgowns, (there were new colors and prints! Red with white polka dots!) YES!
My girlfriend, politely pulls me in the direction of the not -so- mom side of the store.....oh....(I thought this part was only for women that haven't pushed a 7 or 8 pound human being out of their "hoo ha"!)
I was quickly assured that it is okay, this is what he will want to see me in! Putting all of my trust in her, we pick out a little something, and another and another. - Apparently all these parts go together to make one outfit!
I proceed to the dressing room, look at all the pieces and put it together like a puzzle. The top is a black bustier and the bottom piece is something called a garter belt.

Hmmmmm......

I force myself into the bustier, and slip on the belt. Standing back looking at myself in the mirror, I ask through the door,

"Ummm, am I supposed to look like a stuffed sausage in this?"

"Let me see, I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Okay, here goes...."

"Right. Well let me just go see if they have the next size up, your boobs should not look like one."

Off she goes and finds the size, I put that one on and it looked a little better, certainly not a free flowing night gown, but not bad! I take it off and am ready to buy it, trying to hurry before I lose my nerve completely. But we aren't done yet, we need to add stockings to the ensemble! 10 minutes later I think I have what I need and finish the sale.

This is going to be the best $ 78 he has ever spent for his birthday!!!

We make it home and I am so excited to surprise him with the unexpected, feeling really good about myself, that's right, two kids and the stretch marks to prove it, I'll BLOW his MIND!

Being coached on how to put everything together I decided that I'll have to do a practice run, before the big reveal. I set the kids up with coloring and lock myself in my room. I carefully lay the pieces out on the bed, admiring my purchase, and then start to sweat. What was I thinking, I can't pull this off, (okay stop, yes you can!)

I put the stockings on first, and as I'm pulling them up my legs, I make a mental note to shave, pretty sure the hair is not supposed to poke through the black silk. Right.

Next comes the belt, oh boy, which way is it supposed to go....oh that's right the clasps go downwards. Check!

Now to attach the stockings to the clasps, no problem. After struggling with the rubber claps for about 10 minutes I remember that I was told to attach the stockings first and then put them on as one. So off go the stockings and belt and I start over.

Finally, I got them together, (not without a few curse words), I am suddenly exhausted, and try to muster up the energy for the bustier. I put it on backwards so that I can do up the bazillion clasps and hope for the best as I try and turn it around to the correct position. Finally it's all done up, my fingers hurt and I am really sweating now, thinking that someone should put out a DVD for housewives that don't quite know the art of building a lingerie outfit, I'm sure it would be a best seller, or maybe I am the only one that has no clue!

Turning the piece around proved to be a show in itself. Because of all the sweat it was stuck at the sides of me, so that means the cups were under my arm on one side and the clasps were digging in on the other, my boobs had stretched and pulled to the side with the fabric, I look in the mirror and think - yup, I'm gonna blow his mind for sure! I sat down on the bed to take a rest for a bit and finally tug one more time and finally got it into position. Placed the "girls" in the correct cups gave one more hoist up and admired the final outcome.

Huh......all that work for this?

Okay, I'm going need something else, something else, something else. Oh I know, boots! I can wear my shiny black knee high boots....yeeeaaahhhh baby!

I rummage through my closet and pull out the boots, sit, or try to sit on the bed to slip them on. All done up I stood up and took a step, tripped on the bag the lingerie came in and fell into the closet.

CRASH! Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark!

The kids hear the commotion and run to the door, "Mom! Are you okay, what are you doing?"

"I'm fine, something fell, I'm just wrapping your dad's present."

"Oh, can we see it?"

"NO! I'm almost done, go finish coloring!"

I pull myself up and laugh, yup ,I'm really gonna blow his mind!

Now that I'm all put together I figure I'll try out some "bedroom eye" looks in the mirror. After trying my best looks for a while, again wonder if there is a DVD for housewives on the art of seduction, because clearly I need help! I call my girlfriend for moral support as I am ready to just throw in the towel and find my best cotton nightgown and be done with it. She brings me back to that place of confidence and I feel like I can actually do it without him laughing at me too.

My conscious effort to "Bring Sexy Back" was appreciated and every now and then I look at the outfit and giggle -reminding myself that sexy is a state of mind, and I can blow his mind in a cotton nightgown, a binding uncomfortable number or in a pink fuzzy housecoat, he loves Me not what I'm wearing!

That's Another One For Therapy

2010-04-11T20:57:00.000-06:00

As parents we do our very best to ensure our kids have a memorable childhood, one that makes them feel fulfilled in their adult lives. One that they can be proud of and want to bring their significant others home to meet us, and hopefully keep them out of weekly therapy sessions where they will blame us for everything gone wrong. In the 6 short years that I have been a mother, I KNOW I have already contributed to some of those sessions. I won't tell you about ALL of them, you don't have that kind of time, and you may question my ability to keep raising these girls, so I can just touch on a few recent ones.

For some reason Emma has had a rough time sleeping through the night last week, and she woke up at least 3 times to come and tell me about it. The first time I was still awake, so it wasn't so bad. She'd had a dream that a giant marshmallow came to sleep with her and she was scared by that. I let her cuddle with me in bed for a bit and off we went to put her back to sleep with wishes of pleasant dreams of princesses and chocolate. (handled that one pretty good-pat, pat on the back)

Until the next night.....

It was about 2 or 3 in the morning, I am sleeping away, dreaming of princesses,( or maybe princes) and chocolate, I suddenly feel like someone is watching me so I open one eye, slowly.

"GASP!"

I jump right up trying to get my heart back out of my throat, and to breath so I don't bring on a stroke! Emma is standing right at my face, staring, hands crossed in front of her, not saying a word. She looked just like that girl from the movie The Ring, you know the one that crawls out of the well. Yeah, so not only am I trying not to have a stroke I'm trying not to pee myself, or hit my kid in "self-defence"!

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, don't sneak up on me like that, I just about punched you in the face!" (good one Catharine....)

"I mean, what's wrong, why are you up?"

Tears start now, (yup, good one) "I had a bad dream and now you said you were gonna punch me in the face!" WWHHHHHAAAAAAAA.......... (oh geez......)

"NO, NO, NO.....I didn't mean that, you just scared me because I was sleeping and didn't expect you there! Sorry Emma......What was your dream about?"

"My shoe broke and a train went by me really fast."

"Did the train hit you?"

"NO! Could it hit me?!!!" (oh geez.....) Nice. Now I'm adding to it.....

"Okay well the good news is you woke up, now for even better news, I'll put you back to bed and you can dream of princesses and chocolate. And next time you need to wake me up, maybe announce yourself softly and poke me in the arm instead of just staring at me, and hopefully you won't get hurt."

"Okay."

I tried my best to go back to sleep but all I could think of is when she goes to school she 's going to tell her teacher that I was going to punch her in the face!!!! And then how about the time when she asked if she could eat lunch and I said, "Hang on, I'm checking Facebook!" Great, now her teacher thinks I don't feed her, because I am addicted to social networking. Or when I was brushing her hair in a hurry and it was being pulled and she cried and said, "Stop brushing so fast Mommy you're hurting my feelings." And I said, "Seriously? Get used to it, being a girl is hard!" I'm surprised I haven't been called in to have a "meeting" at school to see how things are going at home!

I know I'm not alone, and as much as we make mistakes that may lead them to a therapist we won't be far behind in our own sessions or just simply self medicating for things they've said and done to us.

I have two favourites so far.... when Emma was about 3ish, we were at the video store in town and she was over looking at the movie covers in the comedy section, when she comes across a picture of a woman's cleavage, it was rather large yet clothed and she yells, "Hey Mom! Check out the nipples on her!" Clear as day, and EVERYONE heard. (sigh). And another is when my girlfriend was out with her nine year old son and we were watching a stand up comedy DVD and the comedian says the word "sex", and without missing a beat her son says, "Hey mom, that's what you need to do with Dad!" She tried her best to shush him, but I am not mature enough to just ignore that, and so I pretty much lost it with laughter, and snorts and tears!

I pray my moments in lack of judgement don't have a permanent impact on my kids little minds, and that they come out of their childhood productive members of society. And I pray that I come out of raising them, sober, and with many, many blog entries to read at their weddings!

What Do You Want For Your Birthday?

2010-04-09T13:44:00.000-06:00

My birthday is coming up, again, seems to always show up the same time every year even when I least expect it. Emma is excited for it, only because it is another birthday she can tick off the calendar until it is her own! She asked me what I wanted for a gift, and I told her I didn't need anything, now that I have my laptop, oh and two little girls that fill my heart with pride and joy and some days a little bit of stress, and of course my loving husband that paid for that laptop!

Seems as though that explanation was way over her little head, so walked away with a furrowed brow, and said, "Well you think about it a little longer and let me know, okay?"

And so I did think about it. I've had 5 birthdays come and go now without my morning phone call from my Dad. He always called first thing in the morning no matter where he was, to wish me a "Happy Birthday" and tell me that he loved me. Some years it was pretty early, and I may have not appreciated the gesture as much as I do now. So I wonder if anyone working for cell phone companies could check with their IT departments and see if there is a signal strong enough to dial 1-800-MISS-UDAD!

I would also love to have another lunch date with him and share an ice cream cake! We both thought the invention of the DQ ice cream cake was the best invention EVER! But boy would he agree that the newest best invention ever are Skor Bites!

Two birthday requests that I'm sure Wal-Mart or Best Buy don't have in stock quite yet, so I'll settle for the awesome memories of birthdays past, and a thankful heart, for my family and friends that love me, encourage me, and feed me cheesecake every now and then!

I am learning every year, that yes, life does go on when we lose someone special, either to be with God, or they've taken a different path in their own life that may lead them out of ours. And that it is okay to move forward without them. They are not physically beside you, but always in your thoughts and only as far away as your best memory together. That being said, as much as I miss you, Daddy, with every breath that I take , and every birthday that you're not on the other end of the phone, know that my tears turn to smiles with every phone call I receive from people with wishes of a "Happy Birthday!" Because of you that simple gesture is the best birthday gift of all.

Happy Birthday to you Daddy and Happy Birthday to me, we'll meet again one day to have that lunch and share that cake, but in the mean time, see if you can check with God's IT Department to hook you up on Facebook, or just Google it!

A New Religous Experience

2010-04-07T11:40:00.000-06:00

Emma has been asking us about church lately and we thought that Easter would be a good time to introduce her to the whole experience. I made the suggestion that we should go with Corey's dad since he has been following a new path in his life and has asked us to join him a few times. Corey made the call to find out where and what time we should meet him. I thought that he was still going to the same church as he started out at which was one that I would have been familiar with from my own religious upbringing. Turns out that he has gone back to his Catholic roots and has found a church right close to his home, and that mass starts at 8:30 am! Hmmmm......okay well, that means get the kids up and dressed and out of the house by 7:15 am....on a Sunday.....uhh....maybe we bit off more than we could chew! I thought about changing my mind but, if Jesus could go through his own personal torture and die for my sins, I guess I can get my family to church to say thanks!

The morning rush to get everyone ready went so smooth, we were in the truck and on the highway 10 minutes ahead of schedule! So far so good, God really wants us there! Yay! We pick up Herb and off we go! The girls looked great in their new handmade dresses from their Great Aunty Jayne, Herb in his suit, and Corey and I cleaned up pretty good too! As we get closer to the building my heart starts to race with anticipation of going into the unknown. I have never been to an actual Sunday mass, as I am not Catholic, only been present for a wedding or two, and two graduations.

We were greeted with a friendly smile and a big Welcome from a lady, we marched behind Herb into the sanctuary. So far so good, we made it in the building, and God didn't make the earth shake, he must be okay with the fact we are here! We find a pew at the back and get the girls all set up with their backpack full of activities. Music is playing softly, a choir of men all lined up and ready to help us worship, everything so far seems about the same as what I know to be church. People are filing in and we are doing our best to fit in, not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, like we are one of those people that show up for Easter and Christmas! But it didn't take long for the people around us to figure out that we were "first timers"!

A couple sat down beside us and lowered down what I thought was a foot rest. I politely said thank-you and got comfortable for just a second. Oh. You kneel on that, and it's for you pray on. Okay! Well my "cover" has been officially blown! I start to sweat and try not look nervous, telling myself it will get better once we start the singing. Singing I can do. I start to think of the old hymns I know and love, and picture my grandpa up at the front leading the congregation in song and praise, with the tap of his foot and the snap of his fingers to the beat. Grandma sitting in the pew upfront singing and harmonizing with a smile on her face and peace in her heart. Ahhhh....the comforts of church. I can do this!

The music starts and the overhead screens light up....here we go! Which one will we start with? Amazing Grace, The Old Rugged Cross? Nope. A tune I don't know and the words to go with it. Okay, I'll try and hum......that's not working either, how about I just listen and maybe catch the next one. The choir continues along with the piano, flute and drums, they sounded great. Sad that I couldn't sing along but happy to be with my family, and even more amused at my kids as they stared and tried their best to take in all the action. The music portion didn't last as long as what I was used to and the readings began.

The woman read her piece, the congregation replied, and again I was lost.

I lean over to Corey and ask, "We're supposed to talk back?"
"Yes."

Confused, I am looking for the script we are following, STILL trying my best to "look" like I know what I'm doing. Everyone does the sign of the cross. Darn. Missed that one too! The kids are busy with their stuff, Emma is coloring, Elise is playing with her Little People, we are standing and sitting and kneeling, and standing again. I am slowing getting the hang of the Catholic religion or so I thought. The Priest comes out and begins to speak. Again, the congregation replies where they should, crosses, stands and kneels. I decide to just be quiet and tend to the kids as they are now trying to talk to the people around them. I look up and then the Priest is gone. I lean over to Corey and ask where he went.

"He's doing a blessing."

Okay.

Looking for the priest, I still can't see him, but I can hear him. Elise is catching some words too and starts to repeat them. The Priest says, "The Son".

So Elise replies quite loud, "THE SON? WHERE THE SON? THERE NO SON MOMMY!"

I look down and whisper in her ear, "SShhhh, we're listening."

"NO! I NOT LISTENING!"

I try and ignore her and look around again for the" missing" Priest, as I look up I see this white flash go by our pew and a huge branch of what looked like a pine tree, then a splash of water right in my eye!

"What the He....?"

"Corey, What was that?" He politely ignores me and I finally get it.

"Oh, that was the blessing, right?"

"YEESSSS!", Sounded almost like a hiss from a cat, I think he was annoyed with my questions....hmmmm

Next came communion, that I am familiar with, just not in the same fashion, we quietly sit and wait for this portion to be done. The girls getting more and more restless. Elise asking everyone around if we can go home yet. As the service comes to an end the girls are racing to get their stuff back into the bag, and their coats on, we shake hands with the people around us, getting smiles and blessings, Emma says, "Are we DONE yet?"

"Just about, shhh..."

Making our way out, I breathe a sigh of relief, we did really well, the girls were good, no screaming or crying and again God didn't make the earth shake, so He was happy we went. Herb has a look of pure joy on his face and was proud . A member of the church told him that he had a beautiful family, which made him beam even harder.

"Well, that was different," I said.

"No, that was great," said Herb, "Thank-you for coming. Church is church, no matter where you go."

I thought about that, and yes, he's right. As long as we have the freedom to worship, then church is church and as long as we can come together as children of God, without prejudice, church is church.
I am happy to have had the experience, sorry that I didn't know the actions or words to say, but I know in the end it doesn't matter. Knowing where to rest your feet, stand, cross, sit, and speak would have been useful......but...... What matters is knowing God is where ever you are. He doesn't have to be in a building but in your heart, mind and spirit.

I hope that my ignorance of the Catholic religion will not be taken as disrespect, just a little comic relief! God has a sense of humour too, that much I know is universal in all types of religion!

Mom, I'm Bored!

2010-04-06T20:52:00.001-06:00

I made it through my first Spring Break, I still have a full head of hair but a few more greys! It officially started 11 days ago, I mentally prepared myself for what was to come, but that mental preparedness did not last long. The words I knew I would hear at some point during the break came at 8:00 am the very first day..."Mooommmmm, I'm bored."(shiver) I took a deep breath, took another gulp of my coffee and pretended I did not hear her. "MOM! I said I'M B-O-R-E-D!" (shiver) I calmly put my coffee down, turned my head and smiled,
"Oh? Well maybe you should find something to do. You have a bedroom that is in need of cleaning, or your playroom could use a good once over too, you could color, you could read, you could go outside......."
"NO! I don't WANT to do that!"
"Well then I'm out of ideas, what would you like to do my dear sweet child?"
"UUMMMMMM....I know! Let's go to Disneyland!"
"I'm pretty sure that won't happen, so maybe do one of the suggestions I already gave you and let your mother wake up first, then we'll see what we can do." (keep smiling Catharine, it makes you sound happy, happy, happy!)
"UGH....F-I-N-E!" (11 more days to go, keep smiling Catharine, keep smiling!)
We managed to get in a lot of activities, a birthday party at Princess Palace, sleepover at Julie's one night, then sleepover at our place the next night, decorated eggs and also caught a movie at the theatre. And we still had Easter to get through!
We decided to get out of the house as a family on Good Friday. We went to Boston Pizza for lunch and that is where our kids just made us laugh out loud. While we are waiting for our meals our waitress is getting drinks for other tables, she has a tray full, and a look of determination on her face as she is headed to the next table. Emma decides that this is the right time to get her attention. Frantically waving she says, "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!"
The waitress stops, almost losing her tray, and politely looks at Emma, "Yes, Sweetie?"
"UMMMM......Hi!" (giggle)
"Okay....Hi!" and off she goes looking at us to see if that is really all she wanted.
"Mom, Mom, I said hi to that lady!" (giggle)
"Yes, you sure did!"
Our meal comes, Elise is picking and eating, picking and eating, up on the chair, off the chair and under the chair. Something we are used to, as long as she isn't bugging anyone else we let her do her thing. From nowhere she stands on her chair backwards and yells across the room, "HEY! HEY! I DOOONNNNEEEE!" Our waitress did not hear her so when she didn't get a response Elise tries again, "HEEELLLLLLOOOOOOOO! I SAID, I DONE!"
I quickly tell her to turn around, and she says, "But Mommy.....I DONE!"
We made a quick departure.
Easter came and went, family dinners and an egg hunt, surprise birthday party for me, really busy but good. Too busy for our little Emma though. Sunday night she was full of tears over anything and everything! Just plain tired. I get it, so was I, but with only 1 day left of Spring Break I managed to not cry!
I honestly did not think that I was going to make it through the very last day. The girls were sick of each other, sick of the house, and sick of me. We fought all day long, and it seemed to drag on forever, I was never so relieved for bedtime! Once they were in bed I felt a little like a kid on Christmas Eve!
I woke up early, so excited to get back to the routine of our week! School, Tap, Ballet, lunches, Bring it on! I was so pumped about it that I forgot to put the coffee carafe back after pouring in the water to brew a pot and had coffee all over the counter! I cleaned it up, humming away as if it didn't even happen! Emma slept in of course,( everyday for Spring Break she was up early and today she gets up late, so typical)! Got her ready in record time, practically skipping her out the door! Elise gave her hugs and kisses and said "See you soon Emma! Hab a good day!"
With a sigh of relief as she walked into the school, I felt like my world was going to be back to normal. I pour myself another cup of coffee, sit down to check my email, and not 30 seconds after Elise comes around the corner, "MOMMY......I B-O-R-E-D!"(shiver) Awesome........God Bless Us All!

Hip Hop Dancer I am NOT.....But It's fun!

2010-03-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me a couple of years ago to join the Adult Hip Hop class that is offered at our kids dance school. I blew it off the first year and then decided that THIS was the year to do it as part of my weight loss and self discovery journey I thought this would be the ultimate "out-of-the-box" experience for myself! I signed up, scared as all heck for the first few classes, waiting patiently for Lindsay to walk in and join me........yup she left me hangin'! I thought about quitting when I found out she couldn't do it this year due to conflicting schedules, or at least that's what she said (lol, kidding Lindsay!) but I had so much fun that I've stuck with it!

After Christmas break we started to learn our routine for the year end show.....(yes a show, where people from Tofield and our surrounding communities fill the bleachers at the arena, and watch....watch you move, trip, jiggle...I'll stop there, it's making me nervous already!) Our song is "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. We are a short 2 and half months away from this debut, well debut for me the others have done this before! I have put it out of my mind and as the days get closer I get more scared and nervous! But if my daughter can do it, so can I! Right? Right?........right.

The class is a lot of fun, Thursday nights are really the highlight of my week, it's 45 minutes of well deserved "me" time! Our teacher/owner of the dance school, Miss Niki, is so super talented, she can do everything and make it look "easy", she's funny, OMG really funny, patient....I could go on forever about her, (yes, she's one of THOSE!) LOL! She's never made us feel like we CAN'T do a move, she's very encouraging and laughs right along with us, or maybe at us, but I think WITH most of the time.

This week she has added two more members to the group because there were just three of us in the class. Here is Miss Niki's explanation......"So that you guys don't feel so alone out there on that BIG stage, I've invited two student teachers to join you!" Here is my interpretation......"You guys suck so hard that I have to put some talented bodies in the mix so that people will want to join next year!" Ha! (again, only kidding!)

We had our first class with both of them and they are great girls, young, talented super nice and they didn't point and laugh!!!!!
They are so good that they have pretty much mastered the routine in one class that has taken us 3 months! (I will not feel bad about myself, I will not feel bad about myself!) I look forward to the next couple of months of classes and getting the routine to look half decent, half decent because I'm white and there just isn't any denying it! And I pray that I have done enough so that my husband doesn't find a spot to hide under the bleachers while I'm on stage!

I will keep you posted as to how the show turned out, or you may just find us on YouTube! "All the Single Ladies.....All The Single Ladies ".....

A Hairy Discovery!

2010-02-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

Today was a typical day of getting up, feeding the kids and preparing Emma's essentials for school. Got her ready, brushed her hair with only a few tears, washed her face and brushed her teeth. Walked her out to the alley, hugs and kisses and a wish for a great day! As I stood in the cold in my jammies and hoodie hair everywhere and the ever present morning breath, I lovingly waved to her as she entered the school doors and wondered how long I would be able to get away with my appearance in the morning while walking her to school. I chuckled thinking that I still have a few years left until she gets embarrassed by me! I raced back into the house through the snow in my sneakers and bare feet trying hard to avoid the monster of a "puppy" that wanted to play with me at that very moment. He jumped on me and I lost my footing, fell in the snow bank as he trampled all over me. Got up, looked around casually brushed myself off hoping that no one was around to witness that! Made it into the house and proceeded to finish my coffee, check my Facebook page and email. Made a few phone calls, and tried my best to avoid my date with my Jillian Michaels torture DVD's. Upon some helpful "pushing" of my good friend Karen I finally laced up my shoes, put on a bra, and pressed play.

Every minute sucked, but every minute I did it, I told myself I was that much closer to the end! It was finally over, and not without constant cursing on my part to my idol Jillian, good thing she can't hear me while the workout is going on! I willing let her kick my ass everyday in hopes that one day I will wake up and look a little bit like her. My goal is really to be able to do a jumping jack without feeling the wave of extra flab and fat from my head to my toes, you know you have a problem when you can feel the "jiggle" upon every bounce. It's bad enough that my boobs have sagged so much that they look like oranges in the bottom of a sock without the support of a bra, but when I go for some push ups, they sneak out of the cups to say "hello"! Brings a tear to my eye when I think about how lovely they used to be!

So after the torture session was done I hit the shower and it was there that I discovered a hair, ONE hair, on my shoulder that was very blonde and wiry and about 2 inches long! What the hell is that? I did not have the strength to pull it out, it was in there that deep! I found the tweezers and ripped that sucker right out! (Take that you pesky hair!) Then I thought it would be a good idea to look for more, I found another single hair about the same length and color on my cheek! Are you kidding me? YANK! Take THAT! I got a little closer in the mirror and lifted up my chin, and it was there that I discovered 5 more!!!!!!!! YANK (swear), YANK (swear), YANK (swear), YANK (swear), YANK(swear)! At that point Elise comes in and says, "Whatcha doin' Mommy!" I told her that I was learning what it is like to embrace my late 30's and realizing that I will NOT be looking forward to my 40's as this job won't be accomplished with tweezers alone! She said, "okay!" and away she went to play with her Little People.

Beating myself up daily to maintain my weight and gain strength is a part of life for me that I have come to accept, I don't like it, but I accept it. Finding new hairs on my body that don't belong there and in the strangest places is a part of life that I don't know if I can accept! On top of shaving my legs and armpits, waxing my eyebrows and "grooming" my "hoo ha" I now have to do a full body search for long blonde wiry hairs that have a mind of their own! Sheeesh! In my next life I am going to request coming back as a man!

Jusy Sayin'!

2010-01-27T08:31:00.001-07:00

And so folks it has come down to this.....I must end my love affair with chocolate. I tried to let him down easy and only have a few nibbles here and there, but then it turned into out right session of shoveling pounds of it into my body. It's a New year and I hate to make resolutions that I can't keep, so we'll start it off right for a least a few days anyway. And I would also like to let you know that I am about to sever ties with my bathroom scale. I have tried to reason with him as well, but he keeps on showing me the wrong number when I step on. Another relationship I would like to end is the Wii Fit, if you have one you know what I'm talking about. All the snide remarks and comments about how long it's been since I worked out and how it thinks I gained 10 lbs over the last year is beginning to make me feel like we also have an unhealthy relationship! I think the scale and Wii Fit have decided to become a clique and I don't do well with cliques. So it's all about tough love people, get rid of the negative energy in your life and just tell them all where to go!

Now I will go and try to mend my relationship with salad and see if Jillian Michaels will take me back as a friend. She'll beat the crap out of me, but at least I know she means well!

Hot Chocolate

2010-01-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

After a rough week of being sick, tired and just plain exhausted, the little women in my life were able to make me reflect and see through their eyes for just a moment.

My 5 year old daughter had a really busy weekend, swimming, tobogganing, and visiting. Sunday night we told her to go and get ready for bed, to which she responded by stomping her feet and crying. We asked her what the problem was and she said, "Hot Chocolate!" Confused, we asked why, and she said, "I didn't get any Hot Chocolate!" This was right out of left field for me, but my husband knew what it was about. After tobogganing she was promised some hot chocolate but time became a factor and she didn't get what she was promised. She quickly got over this little mishap and went to bed. But it left me to think. She hasn't quite learned the art of saying, "NOTHING!" when asked what is bothering her, like so many of us women do! And I thought wow, she just spilled it and she felt better! She didn't bottle it up, she let us know! (Insert mental note here!) I wonder what life would be like if I just belted out what my "Hot Chocolate" was instead of leaving it for others to figure out! For obvious reasons, there is a time and place for spilling our thoughts, worries and/or gripes, but wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to "think" a whole lot before we speak sometimes?

Another moment through the eyes of a child was with my 7 year old niece, my daughter and their entire tap class. The girls were practicing their routine a few times, doing their best to remember the steps and watching their teacher for direction. It was awesome to see the determination to get every step just right. Then their costumes came in and they got to try them on, the energy in the room just shifted. All the girls were so excited to be wearing these super girly dresses with their shiny tap shoes! They did the routine again all dressed up and the room lit right up!

My niece, was doing her steps and watching her dress move and twirl along with her, and when she found her reflection in the mirror, that was it, she really turned on her moves!!!!

After they were done, and they were getting their applause from us moms watching, My niece runs up to me and says, "Aunty! I feel like a true princess now!"

I answered, "You ARE a true princess!"

Such pure joy was coming from all the little girls in their frilly dresses, and it made me realize the true innocence, and honesty that we all have, but it gets pushed down and hidden as we get older after some questionable life experiences.

How often do we as mothers and women feel proud of ourselves when we should? We give credit and praise where it is due, but not very often do we give it to ourselves.

When you are truly sad, mad or just plain frustrated and asked by a loved one what's wrong, answer them honestly! And when you are so proud of yourself for something that you've done well and it fills you from your toes to the top of your head with joy, then it should be told! Someone in your life will be just as proud, if not more than you are!

We deserve some "Hot Chocolate" with a side of pride every now and then!

Where Did It Go Wrong?

2009-09-24T09:50:00.000-06:00

Frustration, anger and disbelief has consumed me. I am left wondering what has happened to our world today and what makes people think they can control and hurt other human beings. What goes on in the minds of those that continue to do wrong to others and then in turn think that they have not done anything wrong? It wasn't their fault, or the victim is some how lying.

Our courts and justice system seem so very complicated and almost geared towards saving the perpetrator rather than protecting the harmed. We are told to stand up and fight for what is right only to have our personal power taken away by a judge on a technicality. In my eyes it isn't right, nor is it fair.

I support all the people in the world today that are taking a stand and are not playing the victim role in their lives anymore, and are trying to take back their power and have victory over their personal demons. All we can do is keep fighting for what is right, step by step, and hope that in the end the fight goes in our favour. I pray for strength and protection, for guidance and peace, for those that are in the midst of some sort of "battle", and hope that one day, somewhere, some how, a perpetrator will think about the person that is about to be hurt, and not just think of themselves and their satisfaction. Taking someones trust and personal power away is such a violation.

As a parent we do what we can and hope that when our kids leave our nest they will continue to be "good" people of society, and help others when needed. I am left wondering what happens next? I feel helpless when I see guilty people walk away free to roam and free to hurt others again and again. Innocent until proven guilty..... proving the guilt is the hard part, getting away with breaking the law is the easy part.

Finding My Balance In Life

2009-09-23T14:04:00.000-06:00

I was invited to join the online world of Facebook a few years ago, and at that time I had no idea what it was, so I left it alone. After a few more requests to be someones "friend", I finally caved in and let my curiosity get the best of me. My whole summer was caught up on this site, who wants to be my "friend" today? Who "poked" me? I found many old, old, friends from way back in the day. You know the ones, elementary school, junior high, senior high. When life was all about who will be my friend today, who will I back stab tomorrow and which boy "likes" me?

It was so fun to see where these people are today, and what they have done with their lives up until now, but I found myself questioning and doubting my abilities as a member of society. What have I done with my life since the "good ole days"? I was proud of the fact that I am a wife and mother of two beautiful little girls. But when filling out the dreaded "profile" page, I didn't have much to say. It really hit hard when it asked what books I've read, or hobbies I have, or what my interests are. I realized that my life had taken a hard u turn. Books? Do they still publish those for adults? Hobbies? You mean Dora the Explorer puzzles aren't a hobby? Interests? Hmmmm..what are my interests? I really had to think and I couldn't come up with anything other than what interests my oldest girl.

I had lost me somewhere between "I do" and "Push, Catharine, Push!" It was like these last four years have just flashed before my eyes and I don't know where to get off and try and find the days I've missed in between. There actually is a world out there and it's continuing on without me. I found out some things about "close" friends, or so I thought, that just floored me. How could something so profound happen to them without me having a clue? And then I thought a little harder, (yup, it happens a few times out of the year) that I have been so caught up in taking care of my family that I have lost touch. Lost touch with friends, old co-workers, some family, most importantly, reality and myself.

In the blink of an eye our lives change whether we want them to or not. That has been said many times over and we don't really "get" it until it happens to us personally. I can honestly say that I was one of those people that lived life thinking that bad things won't ever happen to me. And then it did, it really, really, did. My worst nightmare came true, other than losing my own children of course. My father, my hero, had a stage four brain tumor and didn't have much time. That was when I blinked, and my whole life had changed.

It has been four years since then and it's really true, he is no longer living. To write that down and read it is hard, because I don't want it to be true. I want him to walk in the door right now and say, "I'm sorry I took so long, I was stuck in traffic." My reality is that I go on living my life and raising my kids, being a wife and making every day count, all without my hero by my side.

I have been taking the steps and "acting" like I'm okay without him. Some days I could really pull it off, you would really believe that I have accepted it. "Faking it" had taken on a whole new meaning. I needed to be strong and hold it together for the sake of my husband and my kids. I didn't want to seem "weak" in the eyes of them. I wanted to be strong for my mother, as she needed me to be. I thought if I showed her it would be okay then I would start to believe it too. Anger became an everyday thing for me, and I'm not proud of it, but it was my "reality". And this is where I began to lose "me".

I still wanted to wake up every morning and scream my head off in order to clear my head and start my day off right. The "joy" of bringing home a new baby was lost in my battle of my emotions. Of course I was thrilled when she arrived and was healthy, but I didn't cry tears of joy like I did with Emma. I stopped myself because if I started then I wouldn't have stopped and my tears of "joy" would have turned to sorrow.

In the wee hours of the night while going through the frequent feedings and tons of lack of sleep, I would weep silently. "Where are you?" And finally one night I got my answer. I felt it in my heart, his hands on my face wiping my tears, he said, "I'm right here, right where I've always been." That night Elise slept her first 4 hours straight, and I got recharged to be a better mother.

I now know my purpose in life is to be a strong role model for these two little girls that my husband and I have created. They need constant structure and guidance and we are the ones they watch closely. I take each day as a new one and try not to roll them all together anymore. With every, "I love you Mommy," comes a huge reward for me, letting me know that I still have a place in this world, if not this one, then I have one in my girls world. And I am the most important aspect of their world right now, and I cherish it. I will cherish it until I leave this place to be with my father. And when I see him again, I will let him know how much he means to me and that I completely understand every choice he ever made for me, good or bad. I now have balance, and I haven't had that in a very long time.

Being Fat Is Easy

2009-09-23T11:52:00.000-06:00

A challenge was set forth for me to blog and here I am...........my blogs will be all about everything so enjoy! We'll start here............

August 2009 marks my one year anniversary of my 85 pound weight loss, (give or take 5 pounds!), with that being said, I have grounds for the title of my success story. I could change it to "Being Fat is Easy For Me" to be politically correct, but I won't, this simple statement is just true.

I have become an expert at losing some weight and gaining more back since my early 20's. I would "try" anything, and "tried" everything besides surgery, telling myself and anyone who would listen, that I can't lose weight, it's my genetics, my metabolism is slow, blah, blah, blah. (sound familiar?) The truth of the matter is that I was LAZY, and if I didn't see results in a day, then whatever I was doing just wasn't going to work for me. If I had to put forth any sort of effort, including exercise, my journey would end very quickly, and I would find myself lost in a bag of potato chips, feeling sorry for myself every step of the way, and hating the thin people of the world.

I finally got a clue, but way too late in my eyes. I was told 9 years ago that if I didn't change my lifestyle I would develop type 2 diabetes, if not before I had kids, then certainly after. And it happened shortly after my first born was only a year old. That kind of kicked me in the butt to do something, I joined the gym and went 5 times a week with my "thin" friend, she kept me motivated to go, but the real motivator for going was that my wedding was coming up, not that I was in danger of a life threatening disease. I didn't change my eating habits at all, I was just exercising, but that small change did show a significant difference in my blood sugar. Once my doctor said I was doing well, I was pretty proud of myself, and got a little too confident. As soon as the wedding was over, I completely stopped exercising.

Shortly before my wedding I had to have my gall bladder removed, I was suffering from painful attacks for months until finally it had to come out. Again my unhealthy way of life is what contributed to this surgery. Once the surgery was done I asked the surgeon if I had to start cutting out fat, and he said, "Well, if you want to, but you'll be able to eat again in a few days." I wondered why he didn't just say what he really meant, "Well DUH! You need to lose the weight or you'll be in here for another organ removal by the time you're 40!" But I realize now, that he sees many people like me and for him to be honest with his patients he would be out of a job, and his words just fall on deaf ears anyway.

I went on to have two girls, gestational diabetes with my first, which turned into type 2 diabetes, causing much more headaches with my second pregnancy. Many doctor visits, ultra sounds, blood tests, I was taking a lot of insulin injections, 4 times a day. Testing my blood sugars 4 times a day, and I STILL did not change my life style. I suffered from heel pain during both pregnancies and after, due to the fact that I was carrying around an extra 90 pounds. I can admit that now, but ask me back then if any of this was my fault and you would have gotten a big FAT NO! Honestly Dr. I don't know why my blood sugars are so high and why I haven't lost any weight. I'm just as baffled as you are. It couldn't be that I eat like crap all day long and my exercise consisted of getting off the couch, putting down the remote and waddling to the fridge, cupboard, freezer to see what I could put into my mouth. It was a mystery of great proportions!

I finally had enough of my lies and feeling sorry for myself, when my girlfriend came over for a visit after her trip to Mexico. About 4 months before her trip she wanted to lose about 15 to 20 lbs, I just rolled my eyes at her. Here we go another thin person saying they are fat, blah, blah, blah, poor you! She did lose the weight and I saw her pictures, she was sporting a bikini and really working it!!!!! I wanted to punch her in the face, happy for her, but still wanted to punch her in the face. She told me what she was doing months before,and I just let the information go in one ear and out the other. I finally asked her again, and she gave me all the information. I ordered the book that she was following online while she was sitting right beside me. For some reason that was my "light bulb" moment, I was done being the "fat girl" and didn't want to be the "fat mom". Since the day I started this new way of life I haven't looked back. I've had some hiccups along the way, but I know what I need to to and I know that I am in control.

The thing is that being healthy is not easy, I eat right 80% of the week, exercise 6 days a week. I have to make a choice every single day, and I only have myself to blame if I've made the wrong choice. I am "out of the woods" as they say, with my type 2 diabetes, I still have to watch my sugars, but it isn't at the forefront of my day. I am proud that I finally got this part of my life under control, but am ashamed that I let myself go as far as I did. I lost an organ, and gained a disease all because I was too lazy to care about my own life, and what I was doing to it. I know my kids need their mom around a little longer, well a lot longer.This past year has been an adventure, a journey of great milestones for me. A lot of triumph and some heart ache. Seeing people that I hadn't seen for a while was great because of the reactions I would get, how great I looked and how proud they were of me. I gained confidence and was finally had pride in the way I looked. But recently I have noticed the way our society treats people based on their weight and how they look, and to my surprise it's not much greener on the other side. When I was fat I could just blend in, sit on the side lines and watch the world go on without me. No one would say to my face how big I was, I never once got a bad look, or a bad comment about my size. Being on the other side of the coin now however, people are much more opinionated and vocal, and seem to watch my every move. I can not blend in anymore. I am now the one that I secretly "hated" when I was bigger and unhappy.

I used to watch the thin people in my life and ridicule them for what they ate or how little they ate. I would say, "Well no wonder you are so thin, you don't eat enough." Or when they would go to the gym I would say, "it must be nice to have so much time on your hands." But really I should have been following their lead, instead I would nit pick their every move. I did that because it was easier to make an excuse than it was to make an effort.

If it were easy to be thin we would all be thin, it's not, and that is why most of us are unhealthy. It's hard to plan your meals for your family for the day, week, month. It's expensive to eat healthy as well, one of the major excuses we all use. And it's not very convenient. It's hard to find time in our busy days to set aside for exercise, it is usually the last thing we want to do. We have become a society of comfort and ease, everything is geared towards an effortless lifestyle.

I am putting forth this message to celebrate my accomplishment and to inspire others. You've heard the saying, "If I can do it, so can you!" It's easy to blame others for our short comings. You hold the key, you hold the secret to your success. It's going to be hard, especially in the first month, but believe in your ability to change, believe in yourself, and love yourself enough. There is no "magic" potion, pill or diet out there that is going to make you smaller, it's just keeping your food intake down, and bringing your exercise level up. Making better choices for food is also key. You don't have to cut out all the junk, I sure haven't! But I have learned that in order to enjoy the junk every once in a while, you must work out a little more so you're not suddenly back to where you used to be. It is a conscious effort every single day of your life, that is why you can not diet, it must be a lifestyle change. I found a program to kick start my weight loss, and it taught me how to eat and make the right choices. I found an exercise program that I love to do in the comfort of my own living room and the way it has helped me shape and change my body, is what keeps me going back for more.

The "secret" is there is no secret. Find something you that works for you, it's out there, you just have to give up the excuses and put in an effort. What you put in is what you'll get out. Being fat was easy, being "Healthy" is much harder, and I can honestly say I like it better this way. I only wish I would have done it sooner. I am not perfect, and never will be, I have made bad choices and good choices, and have learned what I can do and what I can not do, I have a long way to go in my life, but I'm living and coping the best way I know how.